Don't feel sorry for me
Don't feel responsible
Don't feel guilty
Don't speak to me
JUST DON'T
Saturday 30 January 2010
Friday 29 January 2010
Its one of those big bastard weeks
I don't feel like anything good can come of this week!
I haven't weighed myself for 5 months. Reason being that since time began, I have had body image and weight issue's. After my diagnosis I was sooooooo worried about putting on loads of weight and losing my shape (mainly due to inactivity). But after about 6 months I thought 'life is too short to keep beating yourself up about your weight and how you look' so I decided to stop weighing myself and tried to be more comfortable in my own skin for once.
A fat lot of good that did me!!! I've put on over a stone, feel really rubbish and depressed about myself.
Thinking about the amount I've been through in the last year, people may think 'So you've put on a bit of weight, whats the big deal? things could be a lot worse for you' but my weight has always been a big deal to me (ALWAYS) and has influenced a lot of stuff in my life.
I don't wanna be this way. I wish I could be a person that was comfortable with their self and didn't worry about the whole weight thing. Its sad, I'm a sado!! But at the same time its been a struggle for all of my adult life to keep my weight under control. I really struggled with the whole body image thing when I was a teenager and that has never left me. I wish that someone could re-programme that part of my brain!!!!
I never really talk to anyone about it, coz I know its boring, no one is interested and everyone has their own issues to deal with anyway! But I do talk to Lee and Louise about weight stuff and how I feel. They probably get a bit pissed at me!! But I wouldn't want to and don't talk about it to anyone else.
Moan over. Bottom line is that I realised this week how fat I had gotten :-(
I haven't weighed myself for 5 months. Reason being that since time began, I have had body image and weight issue's. After my diagnosis I was sooooooo worried about putting on loads of weight and losing my shape (mainly due to inactivity). But after about 6 months I thought 'life is too short to keep beating yourself up about your weight and how you look' so I decided to stop weighing myself and tried to be more comfortable in my own skin for once.
A fat lot of good that did me!!! I've put on over a stone, feel really rubbish and depressed about myself.
Thinking about the amount I've been through in the last year, people may think 'So you've put on a bit of weight, whats the big deal? things could be a lot worse for you' but my weight has always been a big deal to me (ALWAYS) and has influenced a lot of stuff in my life.
I don't wanna be this way. I wish I could be a person that was comfortable with their self and didn't worry about the whole weight thing. Its sad, I'm a sado!! But at the same time its been a struggle for all of my adult life to keep my weight under control. I really struggled with the whole body image thing when I was a teenager and that has never left me. I wish that someone could re-programme that part of my brain!!!!
I never really talk to anyone about it, coz I know its boring, no one is interested and everyone has their own issues to deal with anyway! But I do talk to Lee and Louise about weight stuff and how I feel. They probably get a bit pissed at me!! But I wouldn't want to and don't talk about it to anyone else.
Moan over. Bottom line is that I realised this week how fat I had gotten :-(
Wednesday 27 January 2010
Read this Today
As yet, there is no cure for brain tumours. But, say campaigners, greater awareness of the illness will lead to more support, increased funding for research and better outcomes for all whose lives are touched by this devastating disease.
Depressed that I am living with a devastating disease that can not be cured......la la
Depressed that I am living with a devastating disease that can not be cured......la la
Mega Down Day
On a bit of a downer today because........
Thinking about my scan
Filling out an application form for a will, thinking about dying & what I would leave people
Thinking about what it would/could be like for my boys after I've gone!
Thinking about results of my scan & having dreams about them not being good
Feeling like the scabbiest arse hole in the world
Thinking & feeling crap hair, minging clothes and hairy bits!
Thinking about having a brain tumour and what that means to my life and my future.
Thinking how people might see me now!
Feeling like a tumour twat (again)
Feeling fat & flabby
Not having good sleep
Still having bad seizures
...... You know, all the normal crap.
Haven't thought about the whole 'tumour thing' for a while! coz you just sort of get on with life, what else can you do? But every now & then it really hits home again.
Thinking about my scan
Filling out an application form for a will, thinking about dying & what I would leave people
Thinking about what it would/could be like for my boys after I've gone!
Thinking about results of my scan & having dreams about them not being good
Feeling like the scabbiest arse hole in the world
Thinking & feeling crap hair, minging clothes and hairy bits!
Thinking about having a brain tumour and what that means to my life and my future.
Thinking how people might see me now!
Feeling like a tumour twat (again)
Feeling fat & flabby
Not having good sleep
Still having bad seizures
...... You know, all the normal crap.
Haven't thought about the whole 'tumour thing' for a while! coz you just sort of get on with life, what else can you do? But every now & then it really hits home again.
My Hair Styles
I have had MANY different hairstyles over the years (all through choice).
I haven't got photo's of all of them but here are a few :-)
Sunday 24 January 2010
Some Good Bits
Feeling very happy & lucky to be me.
My boys are gorgeous and I am lucky to have them. All my family have learnt to be in dependant, brave and happy. Because for a while now I haven't been doing it all for them and trying to fix everything, which for years I did. Am happy they managed to swim and didn't sink when I did this.
Also I have recently come to realise that I'm not as gross as I've always thought i was! I don't love myself now, but am getting comfortable in my own skin. Which is weird but good :-) (but this issue is a whole other post)
I suppose everything is coming together like I hoped it would in my 30's. Just not as I expected it to.
My boys are gorgeous and I am lucky to have them. All my family have learnt to be in dependant, brave and happy. Because for a while now I haven't been doing it all for them and trying to fix everything, which for years I did. Am happy they managed to swim and didn't sink when I did this.
Also I have recently come to realise that I'm not as gross as I've always thought i was! I don't love myself now, but am getting comfortable in my own skin. Which is weird but good :-) (but this issue is a whole other post)
I suppose everything is coming together like I hoped it would in my 30's. Just not as I expected it to.
Friday 22 January 2010
Back on the trike today
I forgot how much I love being out on my trike. It was good to get out and about on it again today. Still some stupid dicks on the road tho. I am even more cautious now than before, because of the near miss before Xmas. I am checking that roundabouts are totally clear of all cars before I cross over them and checking and slowing down at every side road. I don't think its a case of them not seeing me (as I'm high vis'd up to the max) its a case of them not checking or even looking.Some woman this morning reversed really quickly out of her drive way and didn't see me until after I had completely passed her! I can't check every drive way too!!!
Oh well, I will just have to get used to people nearly running me over I spose.
Sunday 17 January 2010
Friends come and go
When something major happens in your life, its hard when you find out who your real friends are. I keep going back to this, but it's something that has really hit me and something I still think about. Not all the time, but every now and again it pops back into my head and it makes me sad and upset and today is one of those days.
I don't think 'selfish, horrible people, they blatantly didn't/don't really care about me and I'm better off without them' I think 'maybe I should email or text them, find out how they are, maybe it was really hard for them and maybe it makes them sad we don't see each other anymore.......'
But in reality they don't care! and I should think and believe that. But it's tragic to think that these people I did/do deeply care about, can't be there for me or even at least try. Even to try and understand how I might be feeling or even what I might need from our friendship. It fucking sucks that they don't even try!
Or maybe, it has given them all an excuse to 'dump me/phase me out' Or maybe I was only a good friend when I was being there for them! making all the effort and now I'm dead wood coz I can't be that kinda friend for them anymore. Maybe it is me! it can't be them, as I've lost more than one friend since being diagnosed!!!
I know that everyone has their own lives to live and maybe I just don't fit into that anymore. I understand that everyone has their own little 'soap operas' called 'life' going on and I've got mine. But its sad that I can't just appear in an episode of theirs every now and then and they in mine. Have I been killed off and never to return? or am I like Den Watts everyone thinks he's dead, no body was found and then he returns years later? (on a random there!)
Get over yourself, its been a year. So your friends have gone, make new ones. So you've got a brain tumour, deal with it. So your sad sometimes, aren't we all. So you feel afraid of the future, aren't most people. So you feel neglected and lonely, you've got your family so whats the problem?
SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM????????
Mum quote: 'Friends come and go but family are for life'
She always said this when me and my sister used to pick friends over each other, be horrible and fall out. But she'd change it to.....'Friends come and go but sisters are for life'
When I was younger I used to think what a load of bollocks! But the funny thing is that, we are best friends now and we are always there for each other. Not because we have to, but because we choose and want to be. So I guess my mum was right!
But I also believe friends should be & are important too.
I don't think 'selfish, horrible people, they blatantly didn't/don't really care about me and I'm better off without them' I think 'maybe I should email or text them, find out how they are, maybe it was really hard for them and maybe it makes them sad we don't see each other anymore.......'
But in reality they don't care! and I should think and believe that. But it's tragic to think that these people I did/do deeply care about, can't be there for me or even at least try. Even to try and understand how I might be feeling or even what I might need from our friendship. It fucking sucks that they don't even try!
Or maybe, it has given them all an excuse to 'dump me/phase me out' Or maybe I was only a good friend when I was being there for them! making all the effort and now I'm dead wood coz I can't be that kinda friend for them anymore. Maybe it is me! it can't be them, as I've lost more than one friend since being diagnosed!!!
I know that everyone has their own lives to live and maybe I just don't fit into that anymore. I understand that everyone has their own little 'soap operas' called 'life' going on and I've got mine. But its sad that I can't just appear in an episode of theirs every now and then and they in mine. Have I been killed off and never to return? or am I like Den Watts everyone thinks he's dead, no body was found and then he returns years later? (on a random there!)
Get over yourself, its been a year. So your friends have gone, make new ones. So you've got a brain tumour, deal with it. So your sad sometimes, aren't we all. So you feel afraid of the future, aren't most people. So you feel neglected and lonely, you've got your family so whats the problem?
SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM????????
Mum quote: 'Friends come and go but family are for life'
She always said this when me and my sister used to pick friends over each other, be horrible and fall out. But she'd change it to.....'Friends come and go but sisters are for life'
When I was younger I used to think what a load of bollocks! But the funny thing is that, we are best friends now and we are always there for each other. Not because we have to, but because we choose and want to be. So I guess my mum was right!
But I also believe friends should be & are important too.
Tuesday 12 January 2010
How are you?
When people ask 'how are you?' we always say 'yeah alright' but do they really want to know how you are? 90% of the time they don't (this excludes family)
Can you imagine if I actually said how I was! can you imagine their horror?
I say 'Yeah alright' but what I actually wanna say is 'Bit shit really. My seizures have been bad. I've lost all my confidence. I'm constantly tired and I feel crap coz I eat crap...Got any cake?'
Some people don't wanna ask that question, just in case you do actually tell them how you are. So instead they just avoid you!!
I don't tell people the truth about how I am. I don't suppose many of us do!
Maybe its just something that people say after hello and are not actually asking the question. To avoid the next 'going through the motions' questions. 'So hows your seizures?' 'whens your next scan?' etc etc I do just say 'yeah alright' and then ask them questions about how they are! This normally works and makes some people feel relieved I didn't go into it all.
Sometimes I feel like saying 'well how the fuck do you think I'm doing?'
A lot of the time I don't wanna have to go into an explanation after being asked 'going through the motions questions'
Saying that, Most of the time I do wanna just say 'yeah I'm alright' because then I don't have to go into everything. To explain to people what its like for me or how my day or week has been. I don't have to talk about it or make them feel uncomfortable if I tell the reality of how I actually am.
Other than family I very rarely see anyone anyway (That's not through choice, just the way it works out) So why should I care about the going through the motions questions??
I'm not trying to make people feel sorry for me or even play the poor little Jane card. No one apart from family pop in for a cuppa or ask me to theirs. But hey, who'd pop in for a brew after reading this 'don't fucking ask me how I am' post! :-)
Can you imagine if I actually said how I was! can you imagine their horror?
I say 'Yeah alright' but what I actually wanna say is 'Bit shit really. My seizures have been bad. I've lost all my confidence. I'm constantly tired and I feel crap coz I eat crap...Got any cake?'
Some people don't wanna ask that question, just in case you do actually tell them how you are. So instead they just avoid you!!
I don't tell people the truth about how I am. I don't suppose many of us do!
Maybe its just something that people say after hello and are not actually asking the question. To avoid the next 'going through the motions' questions. 'So hows your seizures?' 'whens your next scan?' etc etc I do just say 'yeah alright' and then ask them questions about how they are! This normally works and makes some people feel relieved I didn't go into it all.
Sometimes I feel like saying 'well how the fuck do you think I'm doing?'
A lot of the time I don't wanna have to go into an explanation after being asked 'going through the motions questions'
Saying that, Most of the time I do wanna just say 'yeah I'm alright' because then I don't have to go into everything. To explain to people what its like for me or how my day or week has been. I don't have to talk about it or make them feel uncomfortable if I tell the reality of how I actually am.
Other than family I very rarely see anyone anyway (That's not through choice, just the way it works out) So why should I care about the going through the motions questions??
Its when I get texts and the occasional email asking 'how are you?' I want to respond by saying 'well why don't you pop over for a cuppa if your that bothered? or 'I'm lonely and have lost all my friends and wish people wanted to spend time with me, but they don't'......But hey I'll live, or maybe not, or maybe just for a bit!!
I'm not trying to make people feel sorry for me or even play the poor little Jane card. No one apart from family pop in for a cuppa or ask me to theirs. But hey, who'd pop in for a brew after reading this 'don't fucking ask me how I am' post! :-)
Sunday 10 January 2010
Can't start the New Year!!
This week I've not been out! only a couple of times with Lee and Jamie. I've had a couple of bad seizures this week (worst today) and with the snow I've shut myself away from the world. I know loads of people have stayed in this week coz of the snow and I'm probably no different!!
I've been on a bit of a downer all week and I feel I can't plan anything or start my New Year until I get my scan and results appointment out of the way. At least then, results being good or bad I can get on and start my 2010.
I've also been stuck in the thinking of 'this time last year' mode as well, which doesn't help. Sometimes I just feel like such a dick and I'm sure I've said this before. But it's hard not to think 'stop being a dick and just get on with it!' or 'I hate being a brain tumour twat' not being able to drive, having seizures, losing my confidence and the list goes on.....
I'm not saying that people with brain tumours r twats, but that's how I feel about myself and how my tumour is affecting my life.
Its things like Xmas and New Year's that bring it all home again!!
Fucking hate it and want it all to go away. Its been a fuck fuckedy fuck day today :-(
I've been on a bit of a downer all week and I feel I can't plan anything or start my New Year until I get my scan and results appointment out of the way. At least then, results being good or bad I can get on and start my 2010.
I've also been stuck in the thinking of 'this time last year' mode as well, which doesn't help. Sometimes I just feel like such a dick and I'm sure I've said this before. But it's hard not to think 'stop being a dick and just get on with it!' or 'I hate being a brain tumour twat' not being able to drive, having seizures, losing my confidence and the list goes on.....
I'm not saying that people with brain tumours r twats, but that's how I feel about myself and how my tumour is affecting my life.
Its things like Xmas and New Year's that bring it all home again!!
Fucking hate it and want it all to go away. Its been a fuck fuckedy fuck day today :-(
Wednesday 6 January 2010
Snow or what?
Jamie in the snow (loved it)Jamie's school was shut. Sainsbury's was out of fruit, veg and milk! Don't think the delivery trucks got there. That or people r going a bit loopy and buying in the supplies for when they get snowed in! (for like a month???).
We forgot to get T bags which is dire in r house. Anyone who knows us, knows how much T me and Lee drink (A bus load a day) But my mum and sister came to the rescue, they waded through the snow with T bags in hand and saved the day. Couldn't survive without T and just think If we got snowed in with no T bags (it even doesn't bare thinking about!!)
Feeling a bit less down today, think its because Lee has been at home. It's cold long days like this that I wish I could sit down with a bottle of wine and warm my cockles!!
Hope its not as bad tommorrow, can't face a whole day in with Jamie!
Tuesday 5 January 2010
I've been mooooody
Just want one long lay in!!
I'm having a really tired spell, which normally happens when I don't have a proper lay in for a couple of weeks.
I have been feeling a bit down the last few day's. So think I'm on a bit of a self destruct mode Haven't wanted to go out. Sat in troffing the rest of the chocolate left from Xmas and not being bothered about getting off the sofa to do anything.
Got a hospital appointment tommorra, it's just to discuss how my seizures have been. A bit of a waste of time really, as I don't see what she can do until I have my scan.
I got my scan date through yesterday, Monday February 1st. That's a bit crap too as I won't get my scan results for a couple of weeks after. Why can't they do all of them at the same time? the whole thing just pisses me right off. Its not that I get nervous or upset when going for appointments. I just get sooooo annoyed with the whole process and all it does is make me think about all the bad shit that could happen to me and the worst case scenario.
I'm having a really tired spell, which normally happens when I don't have a proper lay in for a couple of weeks.
I have been feeling a bit down the last few day's. So think I'm on a bit of a self destruct mode Haven't wanted to go out. Sat in troffing the rest of the chocolate left from Xmas and not being bothered about getting off the sofa to do anything.
Got a hospital appointment tommorra, it's just to discuss how my seizures have been. A bit of a waste of time really, as I don't see what she can do until I have my scan.
I got my scan date through yesterday, Monday February 1st. That's a bit crap too as I won't get my scan results for a couple of weeks after. Why can't they do all of them at the same time? the whole thing just pisses me right off. Its not that I get nervous or upset when going for appointments. I just get sooooo annoyed with the whole process and all it does is make me think about all the bad shit that could happen to me and the worst case scenario.
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