December

Me & Jamie December 2008 (last year, couple of days after my biopsy)

December has been a bit weird really! Shit in some ways and fantastic in others.
The Shit bit....
Its all the crap memories from this time last year that makes it all a bit wanky!!! Shit in the fact that it is now a year since my diagnosis, so no more....'this time last year.....' reminisces of pre-tumour. The 22nd was a crap day, as that was the day last year that I was in hospital having my biopsy (had a little cry on the 22nd) Last year I missed Jamie's trip to see Santa coz I was still in hospital and I was only just out of hospital in time for Xmas. I was so poorly and drugged that I didn't know my arse from my elbow and slept right through most of Xmas & new year.
This December my seizures have been bad again! which has knocked my confidence down to an all time low. If I didn't have little Jamie, I wouldn't of gone out of the house!! I've done a lot of crying this December.
If my latest results, being constantly ill, really bad seizures and mega loss of confidence wasn't a big enough kick in the fanny! A stupid woman nearly ran her car into my trike on our way to Jamie's school. She just didn't look and pulled out. She had to do an emergency stop to avoid crashing into us. To set the scene........It was a fucking freezing morning, didn't wanna go on the trike anyway and felt guilty for Jamie having to go out in nightmare weather. We both had about 4 layers on. It was quite a dark morning, so I put on ALL my high vis stuff and switched on my super lights front and back. So I don't think I could of been anymore visible!! and to be fair we are much bigger than your average bike too. After the near miss the women just drove off!!
I had to compose myself and drop Jamie into school, but as soon as I came out I cried and cried. I just thought, if I didn't have this stupid tumour I wouldn't have to take Jamie out in all weathers on the trike. I was just thinking 'you stupid tumour twat, I hate it, I hate it.....' and that thought made me cry even more. I haven't been on my trike since, but then I haven't had to.
I wanted to stay in and not come out even before the near miss! so that just made it all worse.
I was thinking, that women wouldn't of even thought about me. It won't of even crossed her mind how tight it is having to go out on a trike in freezing weather, the reason why I might have to cycle, how things r already hard for me, how I had to get together what little confidence I had left just to leave the house that morning or even the impact of her crap driving has had on me and my little bit of Independence (going out on my trike) but hey! if she'd of stopped I think it would of made the situation a whole lot better.
Lee was away with work in Cornwall that week, but luckily Louise was there to wipe my tears, give me a big hug and love me better.
Lee told a few people what had happened and over Xmas they asked me about it, but in a jokey type way! and I felt like screaming at them 'fuck off, its not something to laugh about! would I be all jokey if the same thing happened to your in a car?'

The good bits......
Spending Xmas with my family. Having Xmas morning with just my boys. Helping Jamie unwrap the presents out of his stocking in our bed Xmas morning. Jamie being at the age he can understand and really enjoy Xmas and his birthday. Lee cooking loads of gorgeous food for us all. Making jewelry for presents and seeing them being loved and appreciated. Having Lee to myself without any distractions. Feeling loved. Seeing everyone unwrap the presents I brought for them. Seeing Jamie singing in his nativity play. Jamie wearing his little Xmas shirt, tie and waistcoat. Being grateful I'm around to see another Xmas and not to be ill or in hospital. Jamie turning 3.
Anyway Its been an emotional roller coaster!! and I suppose with the busy time that is Xmas and being ill with various viruses and colds etc since October. I just haven't been able or have the time to get on and update my blog.

'Happy New Year and lets hope its a good one......'
I'm not sure how I feel about it being 'A Happy New Year!' What pisses me off actually is all the people that sent me a generic text yesterday. Saying happy new year, bla, bla, bla. I'd rather they didn't bother, than send me a text they have sent everyone else in their address book. Its been a fucking crappy year for us and we'll start our new one with hospital appointments and scans. We could have a hard year a head of us and need to be brave, scared, lonely and all the crap in between. But the fact that nobody even acknowledged this or did us the decency of sending an individual text (which would of let us know that they are really thinking of us) is poo in a bucket really.
I know a lot of people find it hard to know what to say! So they just end up doing the generic text. But it doesn't matter what they say, its the fact that they tried that matters!
I know the new year is a focus on the positives, looking forward, new beginnings and all that. But other people can change the crap things in their lives or at least start trying. Give up smoking, lose weight, find a new job, start new relationships or end crap ones, have a baby etc etc But I can't change my situation, I can't go to 'tumour watchers', lose a pound or 2 a week off of my tumour and finally become a gold member and be tumour-less!! So it becomes hard to see all that 'Happy New Year' stuff.
I was thinking yesterday about all the people this time of year that, r in hospital, people that only have a short time to live, people that r on their own with no family or friends, all the old people that die this time of year because they can't afford to put their heating on, the homeless in this freezing weather, people that have to live with constant pain, people that have to watch someone they love die. I hope nobody sent them a generic text!!!! I thought of them with empathy and was thankful I am none of the above.

Anyway that about sums up my Xmas and new year. But when all is said and done I am sooooo glad I have a loving family to spend it all with (ups & downs)

OMG What a day

It's as if all the elements, karma, luck and anything else was all against me in unison today.
The morning started okay. But then I opened the front door! OMG could it have been any colder?? Me and Jamie froze are tits off on the trike and thats with full winter warmer gear on.

Well Jamie today! what can I say? Its as if someone had put a programme in his head saying 'be a complete little shit today and see what happens' oh and then I think it got stuck on repeat.
He has been completely ignoring me, shouting (making the loadest, screamy car noises ever) Spitting (the most grosse raspberries with saliva everywhere) including in my face. Refused to put any of his toys away for like half an hour. So I tidied all of them up and put them all in my room and didn't let him play with ANY toys. I think it was at this point it just all came out in tears and I said to Jamie I need to have some time on my own and went in my bedroom and cried a lot. His been doing a horrible fake loud laugh life all day, saying okey dokey to everything. When it's relentless it just gets you in the end.
I think because of the week I've had it just all seemed TOO much today!! (I wanted to scream, come on give me a break)
It seemed like he was just doing everything he could to be horrible. I try to remind myself of the bigger picture and that normally Jamie is a fun, loving, polite, sensitive, caring and considerate. He isn't being horrible he's just having an off/bad day.
Lee took over when he came home from work. Which I am sure was the last thing he wanted to do. But he did it anyway and thank god he did, love him :-)
Jamie was a complete nightmare at sainsburys, but we needed to go as we had no food. All I ended up buying was a massive pizza, cake, puddings and biscuits, oh and some milk. I can't have a few bottles of wine, so I eat crap instead.
My friend is having Jamie tomorra for me, to give me a break (Lee is at work)
So thanks Lucy :-) its very much appreciated
xxxxxx

Thanks

In all my ranting, going on and being wrapped up in my own pile of poo. I forgot to say thanks.
Thank you to ALL you lovely people for ringing and texting me on the 9th (results day) :-) for showing that your thinking of me and that you care. It does mean a lot.
I think its all the little things that matter, well they do to me.
Thanks and I know you love me really and I do you x

The day after the night before

Today was sad and depressing. Had a little cry in the morning. Told Jamie mummy was having a 'sad day' and that everyone has them from time to time and its okay to tell someone your having a sad day. He gave me so many hugs and kisses today and we spent most of the day snuggled up on the sofa. Love my little Jamie so much x x

Right!! lets get this shit over and done with

Not the best start to the week, ill again!
Got tonsillitis on Friday afternoon, was bed bound for the whole weekend. Could finally get out of bed on Monday stinking like a bum hole and having the furriest mouth ever. Managed to get to the docs and she put me on antibiotics (had a shower and brushed my teeth first) I've had quite a lot of tonsillitis in my days, so I know what it is when it arrives for a week end break!

MONDAY 8TH DECEMBER 2008 @ APPROX 8PM
Jane Shann was given her prognosis: Suspected low grade frontal lobe BRAIN TUMOUR
and those words are what changed my life forever.

Well this week TUESDAY 8TH DECEMBER ~ ONE YEAR LATER
Jane Shann one year on: No one remembered the anniversary of the biggest day of my life. Well Lee did (obviously) but didn't know what to say, if anything.
It not only made me remember what the whole day was like for Me, Lee and my family/friends.
But it has been like watching it all on DVD. Thinking about Lee having to tell everyone and seeing their reactions (even though I hasn't there!)

Me and Lee had spent the whole day in hospital waiting for my MRI scan from 10pm-6pm (my scan appointment was booked in @ 10am) Had my scan @ 6pm then me & lee went to the canteen and had cauliflower cheese and chips :-) for dinner and when we got back they told us. That's basically it with a few seizures and tests in between etc etc

I can now never say again 'this time last year I didn't know and i was doing this/that.........' It's just part of who I am now. How fucking depressing is that????
That's why I think the first year is a biggy.
Anyway lots of other stuff went on in my little pea wee brain, but can't be bothered to write it today!

WEDNESDAY 9TH DECEMBER 2009 (TODAY)
Went to get my results from my 6 monthly November scan today (just happened to fall on the day after the anniversary)
Anyway, it wasn't great! with all my positivity, being the deaf frog and deciding I was gonna live for another 25yrs and that I would be one of the lucky ones. Didn't make it good news.
So I was mortified to be told there had been a change. At first I thought 'yes! its finally started shrinking' as well as 'maybe it did fall out of my ear' But then I thought 'oh shit, how bad is it?'

They said that the cyst inside my tumour had grown, but that my actual tumour hadn't. They said they wouldn't normally see it as a problem, but because my seizures have changed and the bad ones have become more frequent they are a bit concerned.
As a result they want to scan me in 3 months time instead of 6months, to make sure nothing is going on in there since the last scan. This will all happen in Feb and will also get the results then too.
Worst case scenario: a change in activity will be shown and I will have to start some kind of treatment. Best case: no change in activity, lets see how your seizures go and its okay to see you in another 6 months time.
So I now have to wait 3 months to find that out.
But hey ho. I've cried a lot today, but I will be over feeling upset, robbed and cryey by tomorrow.
My comments of the day:
Fuckers
Bum hole
Love cauliflower cheese but not hungry enough to eat it
Mirrors in lifts always make me laugh
Smelly arse holes
Can I have a strong cup of tea
I can't believe NO ONE text Lee today
Ooohhhh carrot cake gotta have a bit
So what does that mean
Why am I always ill
It's so lovely to see you
thanks for looking after my little man
give us a cuddle

Anyway I'm putting this shite day to bed.

Whats what

Just imagine if you could tell everyone the truth about what you are really thinking!!
When your mum came round 'I don't really wanna chat, but can you do my housework'
When you see some woman treating her kids like dogs! 'what the fuck are you doing you silly women, what sort of adults do you think they will grow up to be if you treat them like that?'
When someone makes you a really pissy cup of tea 'what is this cup of piss? take it back and make me a really nice one' (I do actually say that, but in a more tactful and nice way...I hope!) When people say 'your so lucky to be a stay at home mum and not have to work or worry about money' 'well if you had a tumour you'd be lucky too, fuck wit'. When people say 'wow your house is big, wow you have a big tele' 'well so would you if your life insurance paid out, fuck wit'
I think I would be calling people fuck wit a lot!!! Here I go, on a winge again!!

Its just people keep asking me 'have you had your results yet?' 'when do you get your results?' I don't mind people asking me at all, it shows they are thinking about me and care about me. But OMG I shit you not, the same person will ask me every time I see them or text me every week asking the same questions. Even tho I have told them more than 3 times the date I get my results. It fucks me off coz I think, I have told you 50 times already and if you cared you'd fucking remember, so stop fucking asking me. It ends up having the opposite affect of me thinking they care.
I will then go through getting my results and all the crap that comes with that. Then days/weeks later people will ask me the same questions 'have you had your results yet?' 'when do you get your results?' for fuck sake...I have told you 50 times already...work it out for yourself.....do you really give a shit? or have you just got so used to saying it? is it just an outomatic jane thing? like 'hi hows you?'
Should I get a t-shirt printed with 'I get my results on the 9th of Dec, so stop fucking asking me again, again and again......thank you'
I wish I could just say what I think sometimes, but hey! we never do, do we? I try to be as honest as I can with people (honesty is the best policy) but even I have limits. I believe that you shouldn't be brutely honest as it will cause people upset and hurt, when there isn't any need to.
Okay rant over, its out of my system now.

What a week......again!

Monday-Wednesday
Stayed at my sisters house, whilst heating was being done. Luckily we had Louise to look after us. Bit hectic, with 3 little ones under 4yrs. Not a lot of sleep, as they all had coughs and Jamie loves to start his day early. So we all felt quite tired by thursday.

Thursday
Heating all finished. Quick day and night at home, un-packed and then packed again for the weekend.

Friday-Sunday
Away for early xmas with Lee's dad and other extended family at a rented cottage in Lyne Regis.
Friday was the fuck face from hell for me. Had a massive seizure Friday morning and it wasn't one of the usual either. It had turned into one of my bad ones (as expected) but then I started to moan and do a gurggle/chokey sound in my throat (never happened before) it was fucking horrible and scary!! I wasn't 'with it' for a good 10mins afterwards, which has never happened before either. I normally have my seizure and when its over carry on as usual. My left hand went all weak and shaky afterwards and I dropped my tea all over the sofa! (my seizures only affect my right side with no after effects) I cried, as I was really upset, scared and fucked off.
I just wanted to crawl in a dark hole and dissappear. But I had to go away for this family doo and put a 'brave face' on it all.
Lee was fantastic though. He gave me extra love, reassurance and attention, just incase it happened again. It did, a couple of hours after we arrived at the cottage. I managed to dive into another room before I had my seizure, where there wasn't anyone. It was the same as the morning one, but not as bad. I cried and Lee loved me better. I felt like such a dick! everyone always say 'no your not, it's not your fault' but they would only understand what I ment, if it happened to them.
I felt a bit sad and upset all weekend, but I think I managed to hide it okay. Had another bad one on sunday (but that was back to the usual bad one) and had managed to dive in the toilet for that one. I don't normally dive into different rooms to have seizures! but I don't really want a group of people I don't know that well, to be staring at me and freakin out. I also don't want them to avoid me, just incase it happens again or because they don't know what to say. I find that if I have a seizure in front of people that I don't see very often or people that have never seen me have a seizure before, they feel the need to discuss it with me and ask questions. After it has finished, it's the last thing I want to do.

So I have started my week with a massive knock to my confidence. I don't wanna go out, just incase the mega bad one happens again. If I could stay in the house for the rest of the week then I would. My main worry is, having one at Jamie's school infront of all the other mums. None of them know about the alien in my head and I don't want them too. I don't want them to treat me any differently (to be nicer or to avoid me!) so I don't tell them anything.
Also people tend to look at you differently when they know. If you had/have a tumour you will know what I'm chatting about.
It does worry me that Jamie is safe, but I can tell him when one is coming and he knows what he needs to do till it passes.

Anyway thats how my week has started. I just wanna hide under the duvet, eat chocolate and hope that the alien falls out of my ear whilst I'm there. But as the saying goes 'life goes on' and I can't do what I want to do, so I just have to get on with it.
I've had a few minor little ones since my biggies, but I'm hopeful it was nothing serious.
Get the results from my scan next week... oh joy!!

What a week

Monday: Had MRI scan at the hospital

Tuesday: Jamie's coughing began, he totally freaked out in his sleep and was waking up through the night. None of us slept

Wednesday: Jamie was poorly and coughing a lot. Another bad nights sleep. Jamie had a lay in till 7.15am. Had a slight temperature today

Thursday: What a day!! Jamie woke up at 4am. He totally filled his nappy with poo at about 6am and had to be hosed down. Lee did the early, so i managed to have half a lay in. Jamie managed to do 9 big poos today and his temperature went up to 39. Took Jaime to the doc's and he diagnosed him to have flu, but wasn't sure what type so prescribed him tamiflu. I was prescribed preventative tamilflu as I'm considered higher risk. Plus me and lee had to go back later and have our flu jabs, so that I won't get ill. Also had to go to the dentist for my nightmare treatment (a crown) wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But had a numb face for about 5hrs and then some pain when it wore off.

Friday: Jamie's temp is down, he's still really poorly. But still trying to battle on, bless him. His cough is really bad today and he's off his food a bit more too. Me and Lee are suffering from some side effects of the flu jab. Haven't really done much today, we all had a lovely afternoon sleep tho.

Weekend: Went on my jewellery course on Saturday, it was great I really enjoyed it. Jamie spent time with his aunty Adeline & uncle Dave on sat. Jamie is much better now, but still poorly. He is very cryey and has just fell asleep watching jungle book. Jamie never falls asleep during the day, so I know he's ill. My bigger boy is now poorly. But lee doesn't do being ill!! he try's to get on with things and won't rest or go back to bed (has never had 'man flu') Lee's normal colds only last 24hrs. He is the opposite to me, never catches anything and If he does it doesn't bother him much. Lee got all moody this morning, so I sent him back to bed. He must be ill as he stayed there!!! My two boys are soooo a like :-)
I'm just waiting for the flu from hell to get me, coz I know it will eventually. I never get away with it, its just a matter of time.

Because I Was Told I Can

Because I Was Told I Can ~ By Jan Graham

About 6 months ago, I joined a gym. Every morning, there is one personal trainer there that works out at the same time that my little group does our workout. He does his "routine" with such a quiet determination that he makes it all look very easy; although I know all too well how hard he is working. When I am tempted to whine and quit, I watch him push himself to his own limits, and I find myself motivated to work as hard and without complaint.

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching him do chin ups. He made them look effortless. I broke away from my group and asked him if I could try a chin up. I had never tried before, but he just made it look so easy. He eagerly stepped aside and encouraged me to step up to the bar. I pulled myself up without thinking...once...then twice. That was all I had in me, I had no strength left. I told him that was all I had, so he stepped up behind me and pushed me up for a third and fourth "pull." It felt so good. I felt strong and I smiled from ear to ear.

The next day when I was done my workout, I asked him to spot me again. Again, I did two. Again on day three and so on. I thought it was pathetic that I could only do two, but when I came to the gym at the end of the week, he was standing there just shaking his head. When I asked him what was up, he said he was impressed with my chin ups. He told me that when they are training firefighters, the men are required to do 5 chin ups, and women are required to do 1 or 2. He explained that most people can't do them at all, and that he was impressed that I could. He further told me that if I practiced every day, I would be doing 5 or 6 in no time. At this point I should probably add that I am 50 years old...and female.

The moral of this story...because I didn't know any better, because he told me I could, I saw no reason to doubt. I just jumped in and gave it a try - and I did it! I didn't see it as a great accomplishment, because I didn't realize that it was difficult and it became my goal to get stronger. No one told me I couldn't do it, in fact, I was encouraged to try. Had he told me initially how difficult it was, I more than likely would not have tried at all. Or I might have tried, but given it only half an effort, because failure would have been the expectation. I applaud him for letting me believe that for me, it was not only a possibility, but that success was a realistic expectation.

How many times have we decided not to try at all because we were told that we couldn't, that we shouldn't, that we had expectations that were too ambitious? How many times have we told our children, our friends and our co-workers that they couldn't do something; that their ideas were impossible or beyond reach? How many times have we told ourselves that we would fail before we even started?

I started to ponder examples that I had witnessed and this came to mind...I recalled a conversation a friend of mine had with his daughter just prior to her heading off to university. He spoke to her (with good intentions) of how hard she would have to work in order to succeed. University wasn't like High School - this was the real world and now she would have to grow up. This child quit after two years. Another friend spoke to her daughter of the adventure she was embarking on and how proud she was. I remember how we laughed because the mother already had her outfit picked out for convocation day! This child just graduated with her degree in physiology. Looking back, neither daughter was more intelligent than the other. Was it the silent expectations (or lack thereof) that predicted the outcome?

I have a new approach now. I have experienced first hand how good it feels to rush in so innocently. To believe that we CAN do it and go on to accomplish exactly what we set out to do, because no one told us we couldn't. I've learned how important it is to support others (and ourselves) in our endeavors and to let them know that we believe they can do it rather than telling them we think that they can't.

I personally want to be like my trainer; standing there behind the people that I love, encouraging them, believing in them and being ready to catch them when they get tired. I will be the one that is there on the second and third day making sure they try again, because I know they CAN.

What a powerful lesson this has been for me. I'll be doing "5" in no time at all. Because I was told I CAN.

Cheer Up, It May Never Happen

Cheer up, it may never happen
is what they say
but it already might have
it could be the worst
tears ready to burst

They may see a frown
a sad face
maybe its a forever goodbye
thats made you cry

Maybe it's seeing yourself
ugly and fat
causing hurt over years
had they thought of that

Cheer up, it may never happen
is what they say
how do they know it hasn't
a broken heart
to be apart
love thats lost
to get back at any cost

It maybe something horrible
even traggic
many devastated to see
a horrific event
then its anniversary

Maybe a nightmare
an impossible situation
totally alone
no bed
no home

Cheer up, it may never happen
is what they say
never to them
give a smile
don't say
just walk away

~ Jane Shann (Nov 2009)

Been thinking today..................

......'Oh fuck I've got a brain tumour!!' It sounds serious when you say it out loud.
Its probably because I was watching an old inspector morse when I was doing the ironing today and there was a guy on there that had a brain tumour and only had a year to live. They were all like dum dum duuuuuum 'a brain tumour how awful....' what what!! (coz thats how they talk in Oxford don't you know)

Anyway I was also thinking that If someone told me they had a brain tumour and I didn't have one, I'd be like 'oh fuck, how long have you got?' I don't think I'd actually say that, but thats what i'd be thinking. If you don't know anything about brain tumours, then you'd probably just think that person must have weeks or months to live.
When they told me and Lee, I remember my first question was 'am I gonna die?' and I can't actually remember what their answer was!!

I think all these thoughts come up again around hospital appointments etc. But some days everything I think about, even random unrelated stuff seems to lead onto brain tumour related stuff!! just the way it is sometimes I guess........Or maybe I just think too much and should go back to drinking wine :-)

Where would I be......

.......without my sister as my friend?
Louise is a star and always helps me out whenever I need help or support. She is one of a few people that I would leave Jamie with and am at ease when I do. Thanks for being super sister today.

.......without my Lee?
I couldn't go through and survive half the things I do without Lee. I couldn't be without him, its all about me and Lee and it always will be. We are brave and scared together. As gay as it sounds we are 'team shann' :-)

........without Jamie?
He is my little ray of sunshine in the morning. He makes me smile and laugh in so many ways. He makes me proud of him and proud to be myself. He makes me love being a mum.

The Hare With Many Friends

A Hare was very popular with the other beasts who all claimed to be her friends. But one day she heard the hounds approaching and hoped to escape them by the aid of her many Friends. So, she went to the horse, and asked him to carry her away from the hounds on his back. But he declined, stating that he had important work to do for his master.

"He felt sure," he said, "that all her other friends would come to her assistance."

She then applied to the bull, and hoped that he would repel the hounds with his horns.

The bull replied: "I am very sorry, but I have an appointment with a lady; but I feel sure that our friend the goat will do what you want."

The goat, however, feared that his back might do her some harm if he took her upon it. The ram, he felt sure, was the proper friend to apply to. So she went to the ram and told him the case.

The ram replied: "Another time, my dear friend. I do not like to interfere on the present occasion, as hounds have been known to eat sheep as well as hares."

The Hare then applied, as a last hope, to the calf, who regretted that he was unable to help her, as he did not like to take the responsibility upon himself, as so many older persons than himself had declined the task. By this time the hounds were quite near, and the Hare took to her heels and luckily escaped.

He that has many friends, has no friends

Scan day

Had my scan at 8.30am this morning. Its just become one of those routine things, like going to the dentists every 6 months. Its just a pain in the arse more than anything. Having to go up to the JR through mental traffic, to organise childcare and lee to get time off. It would be good if my GP had his own machine and I just popped into that one :-) but apparently they are mega expensive and I don't even think my doc has enough of a budget even for an extra pen!!!

Feeling groggy as shit today, don't know why?? just wanna sleep. It does fuck me off, as I seem to get everything going. Its always been that way with me tho. Sometimes I think I will get some random old disease like the plague or small pox!!!

Jamie has started saying little things that I say, coz he spends so much of his time with me. Things like......'that's so random' and he's started to pronounce certain words like I do. Like butter & water with no 't's. I think it's really sweet, but it winds Lee up a little bit as he likes to pronounce his words proper :-) I come from Hemel but I say 'emal' (not pronouncing the 'h') Lee was trying to do an impression of me and take the piss yesterday. He pronounced Hemel 'air mal' it made me piss myself laughing. It sounded a bit like an American trying to do an English accent!!! Some of you will be thinking 'what is she chatting about?' but Lena will hopefully know what I'm chatting about (my cousin in emal!!)

Anywho....Lee is busy knocking walls down in the kitchen, whilst me and Jamie are busy watching Cbeebies. There is a lot of noise coming from the kitchen, maybe we should go check he hasn't squished himself!! but then I spose the noise would stop if he had. Boys love bashing shit down, don't they?

Got a massive pile of ironing to do, which I could really do without but Jamie has no trousers left in his wardrobe. Can't have my little lad going out all creased!!

My eyeballs hurt!! (probably some 'random' old eye disease setting in) so gonna stop typing now. Kiss kiss

Don't really know how I feel today

......Bit up, bit down.
Feeling a bit pissed off I have a tumour, when normally I don't give it a second thought or at least I don't think about it very often.
I think it maybe because I have my scan on Monday!! I don't get worried, scared or upset when I have a scan it just makes me think about my tumour a bit more. The crappy thing is I won't get my results until the 9th December (3 weeks after my scan). That's the bit I do worry about, not in a major way, I just get a bit nervous.
Also I'm having some major tooth stuff done at the dentists on Thursday, which I am shit scared about. I will have to have my mouth open for a whole hour, can you imagine that 'a whole hour'???. I think once that is over with I will feel much better.
The good stuff is I am enjoying being Jamie's mum :-) we are getting more stuff done in the house and Lee is being extra lovely.
Toodle do x x

Quotes of the day

Always kiss your children goodnight - even if they're already asleep.
-- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
-- Elizabeth Stone

One who walks the road with love will never walk the road alone.
-- C. T. Davis

A Box of Kisses

The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.

Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.

He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside it?"

The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said,"Oh, Daddy, it is not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy."

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.

It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.

In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends and family. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

Author ~ Unknown

I'm so glad its not you

Been thinking about me and my tumour and how people have reacted and how they must be feeling or dealing with it all.

Thinking about how they must be feeling about me, about losing me, about maybe having to watch me get really poorly, get cancer, having operations and treatment, seeing me suffer mental disability and not really being me, suffering minor or major physical disability, seeing me have seizures etc etc

I would absolutely be devastated if i had to watch all that happening to someone I loved, thinking about all those things and having to find a way of dealing with it. I think I would cry a LOT and all I can say is I would just be totally devastated. Also I don't think I could be with that person without thinking about whats in their head and what its doing in there! I would probably get really fucking angry and think why them?
I really don't know how I would react, but like to think it would be in a loving, supportive and strong way for that person. I think it would all depend on how that person was dealing with it themselves and how they were feeling.

Some people have said to me 'your so strong, I can't believe how well your dealing with it all, I would be a total wreck if it was me, I would be devastated'. But I am not really worried about me or even dying, its just so fucking awful to think how it will affect my boys and how it will make them suffer the deepest sadness. How it will make everyone else feel and what feelings, emotions and sadness they will have to go through now and in the future and to think its all because of me and this crappy thing in my head.
Don't get me wrong I've had to deal with a lot of stuff, emotions and feelings etc but I don't think I'm strong I'm just dealing with it 'the Jane way'

When they told me I had a brain tumour, my first reaction was 'what about my boys' 'what about Jamie' and that's what made me cry and even saying or thinking that now still makes me cry. A lot of the shit I've had to face is knowing that i am not always gonna be there for the people I love. Leaving Jamie without his mum, Lee without his wife, Louise without her sister, my mum without her daughter, my niece and nephew without their aunty, my friends, my cousin (the one and only :-) etc etc and how they will feel when I'm not here and then how they will be forced to deal with it all. I know too well how it can devastate people and their lives when my dad died and how it continues to do so.
I also think who will be there for them all??? That for me is the saddest bit of all. I wouldn't wish for them to see me get poorly in anyway that causes them sadness or pain in their hearts.
Having said all that I am happy that I'm finally in a place to get on with my life and be happy and at peace with it all (I know the peace bit sounds a bit lame, but its true) I also know that the people i hold dear to my heart are a long way behind me and frankly I don't blame them and completely understand as I would be exactly the same.

I was also thinking the other day that people tell me they love me a lot more since my diagnosis. I suppose its like when someone dies you think 'I wish I had said I love you and spent more time with them' where as with me they get the chance to do that.

I was thinking about how it will be when Jamie is at the age that I will have to explain about my illness and how do you tell your son? I think it's all a bit 'tight' but unavoidable. Knowing Jamie and how he is aware of so much, understands so much and asks so many questions it won't be long!!! All he knows at the moment is that I have 'dizzy headaches' and that I have to take tablets for them. Its so nice to think he doesn't know and at the moment its not making him sad.

Even though I've said why its horrible for me. I have often said to people 'It's easier to be the patient and the one that has it' and people look at me as if to say 'what the fuck are you chatting about?' I can deal with what happens to me. But it would be heart wrenching to see it all happen to someone I love and for them to go through it all. So that's why its easier to be the patient and that's why ..........
I'm so glad it's not you.

Quotes of the day

There are no hopeless situations; there are only people who have grown hopeless about them.
-- Clare Boothe

Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who decided to stand their ground.
-- Anonymous

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
-- Ann Landers

Quick update

When ever I say I haven't had a seizure I have one!!!
I had been 10 days seizure free, which I thought was weird as I have been really ill. I'm still poorly, but now its a sore throat and a bit of snot. I'm still sleeping badly, so I feel I'm constantly tired! Maybe tiredness is the reason I had a seizure this morning!

God I sound like an old git moaning on about all my aliments and health problems.....boring.
I haven't had much else going on apart from being ill, so that's what I've talked about.

Anyway, my lovely cousin came to visit at the weekend. She has two children and luckily they all play really nicely together, which doesn't really make sense to our mummy brains!! as they are 2yrs, 3yrs and 5yrs. It could of been so different tho, there could quite easily of been lots of fighting, wars, blood and tears. But we were grateful it was good and they seemed really happy to play together, even if it was very NOISY.

Weird

The funny thing is, that I haven't had any seizures all week and they are expected to increase in frequency and/or intensity when your ill!! Maybe it's due to my drug increase the week before.

Shitty week

Talk about shit week or what.......Expected it to be a good one, as it was Lee's week off.
But passed out in the bathroom Monday morning, slept all of Monday and Tuesday. Got out of bed Wednesday at midday. Thursday struggled through the day (as Lee was out for the day). Friday slept till midday, felt low on energy and struggled through the rest of the day.

Have just been feeling REALLY tired. Monday I felt sick and really dizzy everytime I tried to get out of bed and the same on tuesday. Just generally feeling shitty, achy and tired all week.
Feels like I got hit by some kind of super virus on monday and it's just been beating me up all week!!

Weekend I felt much better, bit of a sore throat, a mild headache and only feeling slightly tired. But saturday evening my eyeballs were hurting!! (like someone has trying to push them out from inside my head) sore throat and the tiredness really hit me.
Today my eyes still hurt, still have a sore throat but now I have constant ear ache and every know and again I will get a sharp stabbing pain in that ear and feeling really tired again. What the fuck is all that about???

Anyway..... when I used to get ill pre tumour, my family and friends would say "oh Janes ill AGAIN" as I seemed to be the one that always got ill and would get everything going. Now they all say "go to the doctor" "its not right" "it could be telling you something" "your brain, your brain" but seriously they do go on at me a lot more now, where as before I felt like I was just left to get on with it, as I was ill so often.

Still feeling really crappy and its horrible to think I've ruined and wasted this week for us all. We normally make the most out of lee's week off as he doesn't get weekends off like everyone else and his week off seems to make up for that a bit.

Back to normal routine this week. So I will just have to get on with it.
Lee said it was lap top withdrawal symptoms as I hadn't been on mine all week :-) Ha ha.
Lets hope I wake up tommorow a new women!! (with fantastic perky breasts and a bum to match) :-)

More drugs

On codiene for my back. I've pulled a muscle in my lower back, think its lifting Jamie on and off the trike side on.
Forgotten how floaty and spaced out codiene makes me feel. Not really doing much for the pain tho!!!
Also gone up a little on my AED's (lamotrigine) as I almost have seizure control, but not quite. So will see how that goes in the next few weeks.
I'm having a really good week this week.
Have a good 'Jamie' day planned tomorrow. Gonna take him to a farm park with his little girlfriend Izzy, my mum (nanny Dawn) is coming as well. So that should be a good day.
Gonna float off now!!! :-)

Quote of the day

Behind every successful man stands a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
-- Brooks Hays

The Man and His Two Wives Fable

In the old days, when men were allowed to have many wives, a middle-aged Man had one wife that was old and one that was young; each loved him very much, and desired to see him like herself. Now the Man's hair was turning grey, which the young Wife did not like, as it made him look too old for her husband. So every night
she used to comb his hair and pick out the white ones. But the elder Wife saw her husband growing grey with great pleasure, for she did not like to be mistaken for his mother. So every morning she used to arrange his hair and pick out as many of the black ones as she could. The consequence was the Man soon found himself
entirely bald.

Yield to all and you will soon have nothing to yield

Unbalanced

They say that 1 in 4 people are unbalanced
Think of 3 friends and if they seem okay, your the one.

Quote of the day

Love your enemies just incase your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.
~ R .A Dickson

To 'my' Lee

I just wanted you to know..............

You are this to me

You're the thought that starts each morning
the conclusion to my day.
You are all in I do
and everything I say.

You're the smile on my face
the twinkle in my eye.
The warmth inside my heart
and the fullness in my life.

You're the hand laced im mine,
and the coat upon my back.
My friend, my love
my shoulder to lean on.

You're my silly, mature, caring
thoughtful, bright and honest guy.
The one who holds me tightly
when I need to cry.

You're the dimple to my cheek
the ever constant tingle in my soul
The voice that makes me weak
the hapiness of my life.

You are all I've ever wanted.
You are all I need
You are all I've dreamed of
You are all this to me

~ Ashley Curtid

Quotes of the day

Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.
-- Eckhart Tolle

If you want to make good use of your time, you've got to know what's most important and then give it all you've got.
-- Lee Iacocca

A smile is the light in your window that tells others that there is a caring, sharing person inside.
-- Denis Waitley

Quote of the day

Don't worry about wrinkles, they're just antique smiles

My Sister Louise

A true sister is a friend who listens with her heart.
-- Author Unknown

My sister is my best friend, we have an unspoken understanding of each other (we refer to ourselves as twinies!!) My sister has and does share all my ups and downs. A lot of the time I don't even have to tell her what's wrong or how I'm feeling.
Just being around Louise and feeling she totally understands me, always makes me feel happy and that I'm not alone with anything in my life. If I'm on a mega downer, just having a tea with Louise is the best medicine for me and she always seems to make everything a little bit brighter. (Louise would says 'yeah, but I don't really do anything') but she does, without even realising it!

We share lots of memory's good and bad and have been through a lot together. We tell each other everything and I completely trust Louise 100%. I also feel that Louise never judges me and that's why I feel comfortable in telling her anything.

I've always said to Louise back in the day from when we were littlies that 'I always thought we'd live around the corner from each other and see each other every day' So when Louise moved to Cov I was convinced that was never gonna happen and I was gutted. But during that time we became closer and even more so since having our children.
I am sooooooooooooo chuffed and happy that now we finally do live around the corner from each other and we do see each other every day.

We have such a good laugh and its usually about silly things that other people wouldn't 'get' or even find funny. The joke I will always remember from when we were little and Louise will guess this before I even type it, is: Why did the chicken cross the road? coz it was stapled to the punk!! it still tickles me and makes me smile. At the time we were in fits of giggles and everyone else was like 'I don't get it!!!' which made us laugh even more :-)

Another thing that makes me laugh about Louise is her sayings. Louise would tell me "oh that friend is crap, doesn't text me etc etc....I'm going to 'phase her out'" So when ever I chat to Louise about my friends, she always says 'phase her, phase her' or 'are you phasing?' and we both laugh.

We have also been known to speak our own language (well kinda) we often speak 'Thing'
It may sound something like this....... Louise: 'you know the thing in the thing?' Jane: 'yeah I know the thing in the thing, but what about the thing?' Or something similar. Its because we r so often on the same wave length and way of thinking, that sometimes its easier to replace words with 'thing'. Other people (mainly lee and ant) look at us as if to say 'what the F are you chatting about' and we just say 'don't you speak thing?'

I could tell you so much about our laughs, leaks, chats, giggles and all the stories. But there are just too many.
What I do wanna say about my sister Louise is that, she is beautiful, brave, caring, loving, kind, sensitive, shy, confident, funny, curly, honest and lots more wonderful things.

I am so glad to have my sister and even more so since my diagnosis. I don't know how I would of coped without Louise by my side. Like I said before, with Louise I never feel alone with anything I do and we always seem to have a laugh.
Don't get me wrong, there are other fantastic loving people in my life who I love deeply, but..... Louise is my fantastic loving sister.
The best present my mum ever gave me was my little sister Louise (Louise will say I stole that quote from her!)
If it was Louise that had a tumour, I would be totally crushed and devastated and I'm sure Louise feels the same. The thought of Louise not being here, gives me such a big emotional throat lump that I think I might choke!

Anyway no way :-)
I know its all a bit deep and soppy but it needed saying.

Things I dread

The things I dread.
Its not the thought of being dead
or the thought of being such a different person
It's not even the thoughts in anothers head.
Its being alone without a spoken word.
Its being alone without love
Its being alone without a caring word, a touch
or a loving kiss
Its being alone with thoughts I can't share
Its being alone to face the world
Its being alone without a laugh for another to hear
Its being alone in bed at night
and then realising you are still alone when you wake in the morning
Its being lost and having no one to find you.

The things I dread
Is missing seeing the little people in my life grow
to share with them what I know
Is to not get around to seeing all the natural beauty
having looked with closed eyes for so long
Is to have the chance to make new memory's taken away
and forgetting the ones that already exsist

The thing I dread the most is
losing people I love with all my heart.
forgetting the way they look, smell and sound
fading memories of their faces and the things they say
never being able to remind them just how much love I hold for them in my heart.
Its all these things and many more
Its all these things that remind me to live not to dread
to enjoy the moment, fill my heart with love and
most importantly be happy.

~ Jane Shann oct 2009

Birthday!!

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count.
It's the life in your years
~ Abraham Lincoln

BIRTHDAY As we observe your birthday now, Your cake and gifts don't matter much. These common things aren't really you, Ribbons, paper hats and such We celebrate a person who Brings happiness to everyone, Someone who gives more than she gets, And fills our lives with joy and fun So Happy Birthday and many more! We hope you make it to a hundred and two, Because we cannot even dream What life would be like without you!
~ Joanna fuchs

I'd like to think that someone I know would write a poem like this for me :-)

Quotes of the day

Always look on the bright side of life
~ my dad

Nothing ever stays the same
~ my dad

Was thinking about my dad on my trike this morning and remembered a couple of things he used to say to me. Hence these quotes of the day.

Life's up & downs

life is cheap
life is rich
life can be a fucking bitch

Life is happy
life is sad
Life can be the best you've had

Life is up
Life is down
life can go round and round

Life slows down
Life speeds up
Life should really fill your cup

Life is shit
Life is good
Life never works out how it should

When all is said and done
Life should be so much fun

~ Jane Shann 2009

Quote of the day

Life is like this: sometimes sun, sometimes rain.
-- Proverb, (Fiji)

Ups and downs and all the bits in between

Its been a day of ups and downs!!
I just get really pissed off that everyone can live there lives and go forward and I'm 'stuck'
It feels like I've been stuck for ages!!! I want to get on with stuff, move on, meet new people, do new things but it feels like it takes soooooo long. I've organised to do some new stuff but that doesn't start for another couple of months yet and some of it not until after Xmas.
It sounds like I'm bitching about nothing much really. But I've just had enough of being on hold because of this fucking thing getting in the way of everything.

On the up side, saw some lovely peeps today and had lots of tea and cake. Ate far too much cake, biscuits and sweet stuff today. Feel a bit sicky now. Troff troff troff.
Jamie is being a lot better, less testy and a bit more listeney.

Anyway I feel that my emotions and feelings are very raw at the moment. Like someones opened me up and exposed them all, I'm emotionally naked!
I wanna shout, scream, cry, laugh, cry some more, eat more cake (shouldn't eat my emotions), I wanna go into a big field and shout a bit fat 'fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!' I feel like I wanna poke peoples eyes out, jump up & down on a big pile of horse crap bla bla bla....... you get the picture!! Don't worry I'm not gonna actually poke someones eyes out. Well not today anyway :-)
It feels like its all out there at the moment, all my stuff! Feelings of happiness, sadness, and everything in between. I'm not used to having feelings I can't explain or deal with, having emotions I'm not used to. I'm having a feeling muddled time at the moment.
I wanna scream 'just fuck off'.

Mean while back at the bat cave...................
Someone once asked me (can't remember who!) if I had given my tumour a name. Apparently some people do!!!!! (I just randomly remembered that) Anyway, I've never even thought about it and think why would anyone do that? its not your friend, your pet, your baby so why give it a name? I still think that I will wake up one day and the fucker would have fell out of my ear onto the pillow. So why give it a name? will I then have to give it a funeral? I find that all a bit weird!!

Its my birthday next week and I've been thinking......This time last year I was blissfully unaware of what was going on in my brain and looking forward to going to New York. I was 30 and excited about going to America. I didn't even know. I thought 'yeah this is where my life begins, my thirties will be my finest hour'.....get in.

It seems like my birthday last year was about 3 yrs ago. So much has happened, we've been through so much, I've changed so much since last year and my future and life has been shoved down a different path now. I should be happy about surviving to see another birthday and therefore should be happier at each future birthday. But I'm not happy about this birthday. It just makes me think that things could of been so different, had i not been diagnosed last December and I think this Xmas I will feel the same. It's sort of like when somebody close to you dies and everyone tells you 'its the firsts that are the worst' and I think that's what it is!
Don't wanna celebrate my birthday this year! feel like I should be in mourning or something, what random crap that is!!! Also got my next scan in between birthday and Xmas, so that will put a rose coloured tint on everything....never mind.

Quote of the day

Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.
-- Grace Hansen

Every day should be a simple one!

A Simple Day
by Fion Lim

To wake up in the morning, knowing you're still alive,
To know you have a choice each day, starting afresh,
To find joy in everyday, acknowledging simple pleasures,
To live in the present moment, engaging your awareness,
To count the blessings in life, believing abundance abounds,
To enjoy the work you do, following your passion,
To make a little difference, adding to the universe,
To be what you are, listening to your inner being,
To give away love, rejoicing in the chance to give,
To receive love with gratitude, feeling good about it,
To smile at strangers, seeing how infectious it can be,
To speak words of kindness, spreading a little warmth,
To understand with compassion, opening up your mind,
To play with children, nurturing your inner child,
To appreciate the nature, soaking up all the beauty,
To feel the warmth of the sun, glowing upon your skin,
To listen to the falling rain, pattering on the grounds
To taste the richness of food, sliding down your throat,
To smell the freshness of air, filling up your lungs,
To see the falling night, concluding a well-lived day,
That's life, that's living,
That's the core of what really matters...
And if I've missed out anything,
Please let love make up for all of it.

Copyright © 2007 Fion Lim. All rights reserved.

Another tough day

Jamie has been really testing and ignoring me today. It's sooooo hard at times.
Not having a good day myself, very emotional. So it makes it all extra hard.
I just wanna crawl into a comfy dark hole and sleep for 2 days. If that was available on ebay i'd be bidding for it right now!!!
Lets hope tomorrow is a brighter day.....'the sunna come up tomorrow' Annie, bless her :-)

This is how I feel today

Why me?
Life unfolds before me
Sometimes it scares me
Why is it so hard to be
The person inside me
Can a mind be set free
Where can I find the key
I wish That I could see
What others see in me

~ author unknown

Check this out.......

........ I found this on the web

Researchers in Spain have discovered that a cannabis extract makes brain tumors shrink by halting the growth of blood vessels that supply the tumors with life. Cannabis has chemicals called cannabinoids, these are the chemicals that could effectively starve tumors to death, say the researchers.

The study was carried out at the Complutense University, Madrid, Spain.

The team used mice to demonstrate that the cannabinoids block vessel growth.

You can read about this latest research in the journal Cancer Research.

Apparently, the procedure is also effective in humans.

Funny quotes of the day

Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
-- Joe Namath

He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
-- Author Unknown

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
-- Gandhi

Hard day

Its been a hard day, but i wouldn't change any of it for the world.

Jamie was such hard work today. Pulling curtains, kicking things, running off, not listening, being destructive.......you can imagine the scene.
Constantly pushing, pushing, testing, testing, testing all day not one minute let up. I managed to keep my cool all day (not sure how), explaining reasons calmly, acknowledge his feelings, being patient and most of all reminding Jamie that I love him.
Fuck me its SO hard to be all those things when your faced with a day like today. I did shout at Jamie once today and he said "don't shout mummy, its not nice to shout at people" I said "sorry" explained why I shouted and we had a hug.
I want Jamie to feel secure in the fact that no matter who he is, what kind of day he's having, what mistakes or choices he makes that I love him. I think it is so important for Jamie to know that he is loved without conditions (That I love him unconditionally).
It is also important to me that I guide and teach Jamie rather get him to follow instructions and learn to be/do what I tell him to be/do.
Even tho we have these hard days, Jamie doesn't have tantrums and I'm still waiting for the 'terrible two's' to start!!!
Having said all that. Days like this remind me that I love being a mum, that I'm so glad that I'm here to be a mum and more importantly here to be Jamie's mum.
He has drained every ounce of energy out of me today and I was sooooo relieved when it was finally his bed time.
but as I said..........I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

Oh and the best bit of today was.....My gorgeous hubby rode 100km on his bike (off road) to raise money for the Astro fund. I'm so so proud of him.

Quotes of the day

If I had to select one quality, one personal characteristic that I regard as being most highly correlated with success, whatever the field, I would pick the trait of persistence. Determination. The will to endure to the end, to get knocked down seventy times and get up off the floor saying, "Here comes number seventy-one!"
-- Richard M. DeVos

Remember happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think.
-- Dale Carnegie

A woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Quotes of the day

A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves - a special kind of double.
-- Toni Morrison

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're alive.
-- Orlando A. Battista

Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don't need an appointment.
-- Catherine Aitken

Why its a bit of a fuck fuckedy fuck day!

Why?????.......................
Why can't people believe in themselves? love themselves? be honest with themselves? Why do people live in sadness and regret? Why do people believe they are unworthy? Why are people so afraid of change? afraid of living? afraid of loving? afraid to be who they truly are? afraid of the future and what may or may not happen. Why do people try to change what they are?
People have so much time/not enough time, why waste any of it?

I wish....................................
I could take away people's sadness and the pain in their hearts. Give them courage. Help them to truely be comfortable with being themselves. To find peace and enjoy life.

All of this just fucks me off a bit!!

Life

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it. Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it.
-- Mother Teresa

Quotes of the day

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
-- Groucho Marx

Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about.
-- Author Unknown

Few of us write great novels; all of us live them.
-- Mignon McLaughlin

What do I believe?

Some people believe in god or a greater being.
Some people believe they have a destiny/fate (a predetermined future)
Some people believe in angels, devils and fairies (i don't believe in fairies, but wish they'd do my housework whilst I sleep)
Some people trust in science.
Some people believe in evolution.
Some people believe a pint of beer or a bottle of wine holds all the answers.
Some people believe that we all have a soul mate out there somewhere
Some people believe in heaven and hell
Some people believe in father christmas and the tooth fairy
Some people believe in the spirit world
Some people believe in healing
Some people believe in the power of the mind/thought
Some people believe that everything their parents said is true
Some people trust in modern medicine
Some people believe in living for the moment/living live to the full
Some people believe that everything will sort itself out in the end
Some people believe that everyone will do it for them
A lot of people believe it will never happen to them
Some people believe food is the answer
Some people are unsure of what they believe and some people claim not to believe in anything.
What are beliefs for? why do we need to believe in anything. Maybe its to give us hope, comfort, to belong, reason, safety, happiness, security or maybe its because that's what we have learnt to believe or maybe its r choice to believe after life experiences and events.

Well what do I believe..............I believe

That good or bad everything happens for a reason.
That Lee loves me with all of his heart and soul and will always be there for me no matter what.
That I've found my soul mate
That Jamie will grow to be a loved, fabulous and happy person.
Oh................and I believe in Myself :-)

Quotes of the day

Don’t limit yourself. Many people limit themselves to what they think they can do. You can go as far as your mind lets you. What you believe, remember, you can achieve.
-- Mary Kay Ash

I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship.
-- Louisa May Alcott

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Quotes of the day

We have to realize that we are as deeply afraid to live and to love as we are to die.
-- Ronald David Laing

Beauty, truth, friendship, love, creation---these are the great values of life. We can't prove them, or explain them, yet they are the most stable things in our lives.
-- Jesse Herman Holmes

The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.
-- John Pierpont Morgan

Moving On......

I am moving on
reaching toward my hopes and dreams
It has taken me far too long
to reach this place, it seems

My fears may try to hold me back
To try and block my way
But with courage and faith in my heart
I will get there come what may

The road will be a long one,
And it may be rocky, too
But when I reach this place in time,
My dreams could all shine through

I am coming nearer to my goals
And my excitement grows
The plans I have made will soon be real
Along with the destiny I chose

Though I have been tossed and turned in life's storms
I will surely see a brighter dawn
I'm no longer held back by my fears
I'm finally....Moving On

by Alan Murray

Silly Giggles

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. (Marion Smith)

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.

Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

Run away, run away

I have got the worst cold and it feels like my head is full of snot! The good thing is my seizures haven't increased and Lee has been a superstar looking after me.

Anyway what do I wanna say today, not really sure! (i seem to say that a lot when writing my posts)

I have been thinking about when I do get to meet new people and make new friends that it would be nice for people not to know. So that I'm just me and not 'Jane with the brain tumour'. But people do ask basic questions like 'so do you work' 'How come you don't drive' etc etc and I find myself avoiding questions or telling little white lies. But then I don't feel like I'm being myself because I'm an honest and upfront person (as you've probably noticed) and always have been. My thinking was, this is me take it or leave it. But it doesn't seem that simple anymore.
Even if I decided only to tell half the story and just said I had epilepsy (in case I did have a seizure whilst with them etc) But then I have already found that there is a lot of stigma and preconceived ideas around epilepsy. A lot of people see epilepsy as you will start thrashing around, dribbling and biting your tongue. They then shy away from you as they are scared and unsure! Even when I tell them that isn't the case and I have partial seizures. All people seem to hear is 'Epilepsy' run away, run away.

This is one of the things that has surprised me! as I thought 'in this day and age' people are more educated, open minded, understanding, non judgemental and even empathetic to people that live their lives differently, whether it be for health, social or cultural reasons etc. Or is that me living in my little bubble of loveliness???
It isn't nice to be 'Jane with the epilepsy, run away, run away' either. Its as if I'm not me to other people anymore.
I didn't really realise the whole 'epilepsy, run away, run away' thing. Until faced with it recently from a really unexpected person, that is considered to be all of the above. Especially in the job they are involved in. It hasn't just surprised me, but it has deeply upset me too.

Anyway enough said on that one. Before my Diagnosis I would of said 'well if people can't except me for me then they are not worth the trouble' but now I think 'well people won't even give themselves the opportunity to get to know me in the first place'.
I'm sure there are some lovely lovely people out there and some of my existing friends are. But I hope I meet some new lovely lovely people too.
It's hard enough to start looking forward and moving on with your life, let alone when you have such a knock to your confidence!!
Oh well....... 'onwards and upwards' as the saying goes

Quotes of the day

One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone: and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.
-- Ida Scott Taylor

The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have.
-- Ring Lardner

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
-- Erica Jong

My bad days

I know I've posted this before but this will help if you wanna know what I refer to.....

I have 2 types of bad days. Type 1: which is having a shit day because of how I'm feeling and thinking about things that relate to my tumour and how its affecting things in my life (Quite cryey and emotional) then there's Type 2: the type of bad day that we all have, spill the milk, feeling fat, miss the bus, hate work, kids r driving you mad, run out of wine, burnt the dinner etc.

When I have a type 1 bad day there are a lot of fuck fuck fuckedy fucks, my eyes leak a lot and I wanna be left alone to drink wine & eat chocolate and generally be in my own sack of sad shit. Its one of the few times I don't wanna talk and I want be left on my own.
Type 2 (I think everyone must feel the same) I just need a cuddle, to know that i'm loved and appreciated and for someone to listen to my days crap. oh and more wine :-)

Stuck!

Woke up yesterday morning with a cold, Jamie has just got over his. Thought I may get away with it. Don't know why I thought that, I always get everything going!
Feeling a bit stuck at the moment, nothing is really happening. My volunteer work is taking ages to get started, so am just hanging around waiting for that. Wanna get in to jewelery making, but there are no course's local or even the right course's. Housework, housework, housework, housework, oh and gardening, more housework, ironing, ironing, ironing, washing up, washing up and more washing up!..........You get the idea.
I'm having a type 2 bad day and need a good old fashion moan. Life has become a bit boring and so lonely since my diagnoses, even tho I am trying to get on with my life and give myself a new direction. Something I can get enthusiastic about, meet new people bla bla bla.
Seems like Lee has got all these new things going on, but they don't really involve me! and we haven't got any family time booked either.
Oh well 'life goes on' as they say, I just wish mine would.

Still feeling like shit

Had mega intense headaches all weekend (don't normally have them). Spent most of today in bed. I think all the emotional strain from this week has finally caught up with me!
Hope I feel better tomorra, its horrible when you start your week feeling like crap.

Might have a little sleep

Dealt with some unexpected stuff with Lisa yesterday! It's left me feeling a bit drained, tired and sicky! (bizarre).
It was pretty heavy and emotional. I feel all my tears have been fully drained now, but its left me exhausted.

Feeling lucky.....

.... to be married to such a kind, sensitive, loving, caring, strong and passionate man. He's lush and he's mine :-)
He also has a really nice bum (cheeky!)

I love drinking tea

When you’re feeling sad & blue
And have no clue what to do
Sit down and have a cup of tea
And a hug or two or maybe three
Feel those troubles melt away
And start you on a better day.

by Paulette, 1998~~TLC Creations.

Friday

I've decided that its more of a skip skip skipady skip day today :-)

Drank too much wine.....

.....last night. So I will no doubt be having more seizures today. Had a really good cry tho, which had been brewing up for a storm all day!

Am seeing 'Lisa for Life' today (My life coach) She is like a councillor, but not! She helps we deal with the practical and emotional side of how my life is changing. Its not just talking, its doing as well. She is fantastic and just what I need.
We are dealing with some emotional crap at the moment, hence some of my recent posts. I think in the build up to seeing Lisa I always seem to get a bit emotional! I tend to think about stuff a lot more in the couple of days leading up to seeing her.

Anyway I don't really know how I'm feeling today! a bit thinky I spose and there are still a few tears left in the bottom of the barrel. I'm having a 'just need a hug' day I think.

Me and Jamie always treat ourselves to a 'special lunch' (Lunch out) on a friday after he finishes school and he gets to have a little cup cake. Its our Mummy and Jamie time and I think we both really enjoy it.

Fed up

Don't know where to start this one really!!

I know that some people r happy just to become there illness and r happy to pigeon hole themselves. But I am still Jane and I'm not happy or even comfortable with just being about my illness. Hence my user name 'tumour girl'! (my little piss take) :-) I feel like my tumour is just in the back ground of my life, NOT what I am or my life is about.
Of course it has changed my life and affects the way I live my life now. But hey, I'm still Jane and am now probably an even better version of me.

We all use words to describe our friends, family or people we know to other people. You may have found yourself doing this (I know I have)...... You know bridget don't you?, 'fat bridget'? or You know Julie, the one that had cancer and has the ugly kids? Oh you know steve, bold steve....... and so on.
I have often wondered how someone would discribe me to someone else in a conversation. I used to be 'Jane, the one with no hair' (that was the days when I used to shave my head) 'Jane that works in the gym' thats the few that I know, i'm sure there's others. Anyway my point is that now I know it will be 'you know my friend Jane, the one with the brain tumour' or my daughter/sister/neice/daughter in law/friend with the brain tumour...bla bla bla. You get the picture.
That doesn't bother me so much, because I wouldn't hear that anyway. But what does bother me, is that a lot of people just assume things about me. That I am happy just to be all about my illness, that I wanna talk about it every time I see them, that thats all I have or want to talk about and that I must want them to ask me. It would be nice for someone to say something different or to ask me something else for a change. But that rarely happens now!
If I said, 'I don't wanna talk about that today' I think it would cause embarrasement or tension and maybe make people think I was in denial!
Sometimes I feel like screaming 'THATS NOT ALL I HAVE IN MY LIFE YOU KNOW' I don't blame people for being this way with me, as I know a lot of the time people just don't know what to say to me and they want to show that they care and r interested in whats happening to me etc. But it still does my head in.
Even though I don't wanna be all about my tumour, it feels like other people do.

I don't really know if this is what I wanna say today. It has been on my mind tho, as I've seen 2 poeple this week that I haven't seen for a while and thats all they asked my about!!

I have 2 types of bad days. Type 1: which is having a shit day because of how I'm feeling and thinking about things that relate to my tumour and how its affecting things in my life (Quite cryey and emotional) then there's Type 2: the type of bad day that we all have, spill the milk, feeling fat, miss the bus, hate work, kids r driving you mad, run out of wine, burnt the dinner etc. When I have a type 1 bad day there are a lot of fuck fuck fuckedy fucks, my eyes leak a lot and I wanna be left alone to drink wine & eat chocolate and generally be in my own sack of sad shit. Its one of the few times I don't wanna talk and I want be left on my own. Type 2 (I think everyone must feel the same) I just need a cuddle, to know that i'm loved and appreciated and for someone to listen to my days crap. oh and more wine :-)
Today is a type 1 bad day......Lee's gone to get the wine.

How I feel today

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckedy fuck. Enough said.

My brother & Sister

Little Boys are Treasures

Little boys are treasures........
Who are worth their weight in gold
And charm everyone around them
From the time they're hours old.

They're Mummy's little darling,
They're a special pal to Dad,
And they bring the very happiest days
A family's ever had!

What's life all about?

What's It All About
Life isn't about keeping score.
It's not about how many friends you have.
Not about if you have plans this weekend or if you're alone.
It isn't about who you're dating, who you used to date,
how many people you've dated,
or if you haven't been with anyone at all.
It isn't about who you have kissed, it's not about sex.
It isn't about who your family is or how much money they have.
Or what kind of car you drive.
Or where you went to school.
It's not about how beautiful or ugly you are.
Or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on,
or what kind of music you listen to.
It's not about if your hair is blonde, red, black, or brown.
Or if your skin is too light or too dark.
Not about what grades you get, how smart you are,
how smart everybody else thinks you are,
or how smart standardized tests say you are.
It's not about what clubs you're in or how good you are at "your" sport.
It's not about representing your whole being on a piece of paper
and seeing who will "accept the written you."


But, life is about who you love and who you hurt.
It's about who you make happy or unhappy purposefully.
It's about keeping or betraying trust.
It's about friendship, used as a sanctity or a weapon.
It's about what you mean and say, maybe hurtful, maybe heartening.
About starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip.
It's about what judgments you pass and why.
And who your judgments are spread to.
It's about who you've ignored with full control and intention.
It's about jealousy, fear, ignorance, and revenge.
It's about carrying inner hate or love, letting it grow, and spreading it.


But most of all, it's about using your life to touch or poison other people's hearts in such a way that could have never occurred alone. Only you choose the way those hearts are affected, and those choices are what life's all about.

Author: Unknown

Spoke to soon.......

......Had a big seizure this morning. I haven't been sleeping well, so that could of been a trigger!!
I do get stress neck (as I call it) so that has been effecting my sleep. I went and had a deep massage on my neck & shoulders today (lush) it feels a lot better already.

The good bits

The good news is I haven't had a seizure for a whole week now :-)
The longest I've gone without having a seizure since xmas is 3 days. So am well chuffed with that.
Really not having a good day. Amoungst other things feeling emotional and alone, so just trying to focus on some of the good things.
Really love my trike it's fantastic.

This quote says it for me.......

Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived. ~

Jean Luc Picard

For my Lee.......

The reading from our wedding (05/05/2001)

The Art Of A Good Marriage
Wilferd Arlan Peterson

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created.
In marriage the little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through all the years.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.
It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humour.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.

"I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you."

Love you always my friend, my soul mate x x

I am a little frog

Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs who arranged a running competition.

The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.

A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants....

The race began....

Honestly:
No one in crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower.

You heard statements such as:

"Oh, WAY too difficult!!"

"They will NEVER make it to the top."

or:
"Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!"

The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one.

Except for those, who in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher....

The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!"

More tiny frogs got tired and gave up....

But ONE continued higher and higher and higher....

This one wouldn't give up!

At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top!

THEN all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it?

A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal?

It turned out....

That the winner was DEAF!!!!

The wisdom of this story is:

Never listen to other people's tendencies to be negative or pessimistic.... because they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you -- the ones you have in your heart!

Always think of the power words have.

Because everything you hear and read will affect your actions!

Therefore:
ALWAYS be.... POSITIVE!

And above all:
Be DEAF when people tell YOU that you cannot fulfill your dreams!

I really do feel in my heart I will be one of the lucky ones. I will get to the top of my hill (I will live for another 20 yrs)