Must be my fault

Coz I believe everything happens for a reason, I started to think all this must be my fault.

It may be bad stuff I've done, maybe its because of the way I've unintentionally treated/hurt people or being a horrible person without realising it. Maybe it's pay back or maybe it's 'what goes around comes around'. Could it be something i did as a kid but can't remember?
It must be my fault, as why me? its like being fat, being an alcoholic or being a gambler etc etc people don't take responsibility for what they are. There is always someone else to blame. No one seems to blame themselves. Maybe I should take responsibility and blame myself.

I started drinking & smoking at age 13. Smoked for 13yrs, getting mega pissed (wasted) till the age of 26! did things when drunk that I can't remember, treated people like shit when I was pissed, became a person I really hated! maybe all this crap pickled my brain and it couldn't cope with the years of abuse. Doing all this people may think lung cancer, heart attack or even liver failure, why not brain tumour?? All the years of abuse must of done something to my body.
That makes more sense to me than 'your just unlucky'.
So yeah, why not!! 'why me?' well I know why me really, I've just got to take responsibility.

I know people say "it's not your fault". But come on, it's gotta be someones!!

Ask yourself....

When you feel that nobody loves you,
Nobody cares for you,
Everyone is ignoring you,
and people are jealous of you
you should really ask yourself.....

AM I TOO SEXY?

New starts!!

Started new meds (oxcarbazine) and new diet (kcal's) today
Thought yeah 'positive new starts' and then I had a big seizure this morning. So yeah, great start!!!

When you've never really been aware of the calories, its a shocker when you look. Somethings I thought 'OMG how many? and I eat that all the time' and others I thought 'yeah that sounds about right'. Previously I didn't look at kcal especially on biscuits, choc, pizza and things like that, as it would of spoilt my enjoyment of eating it! But now it will make me think :-(
My tea is 11kcal! (no sugar, semi-skimmed) I was very surprised at that. And considering I drink between 10-15 cups a day, that's a lot of little extra Cal's I need to account for! But I can't give up my tea, drink less or have skimmed milk. So it looks like I will be living off tea and carrots :-)

I have been on a bit of a downer for a while (hence no blog posts) and I do normally get on my blog and have a good old rant, but I haven't even wanted to do that. I have just gone in on myself a bit and doing my hiding away thing again (not that anyone notices).
Anyway I'm not looking for the sympathy vote. Just saying.

Should know in a couple of weeks whether oxcarbazine suits me or not! I really hope this drug does it this time round, as this is drug no.4.
The tiredness on lamotrigine is doing my head in, so the sooner I get off it the happier I will be. The main side affects on oxcarbazine are headaches and tiredness!! but fingers crossed I won't suffer from ANY side affects.

Will keep updating on diet and meds as I go.

Downer mode

Have been on a bit of a downer about things lately! it seems to start around scan and results time and then carries on for a few weeks after. I also feel constantly tired with no energy, which doesn't help.
Hopefully the tiredness stuff will all change when I switch meds.
Will be back on here soon to chat out my shit......la la.

The Results

Just a quick update as I don't really feel like writing on my blog at the moment.
Scan: Showed NO CHANGE and they will re-scan me in 6 mnths time
Treatment Plan: Change meds to get better seizure control and to improve day to day life for me. Because at the moment I am constantly tired even with 9 hrs sleep every night and am also having daily seizures. So changing from lamotrigine to Oxcarbazepine, it should take about 2 mnths if I have no side effects.
So BEST RESULTS I could of hoped for really.
Thanks to you all for wishing me luck and loving me better :-)

No Such Cupboard!

I just wanna shut myself away in a cupboard until.....
I lose 2 stone.
My tumour curls up, dies and falls out my ear.
My house is all nicely decorated, all new and completely finished.
But apparently there is no such cupboard! so I will have to come up with another cunning plan!!

Tumour's gonna get ya

Had my earlier scan this week.
My results appointment has been brought forward to Tues 9th Feb (next week).
My final will came through the post this morning and they said they hurried the process along in light of my illness.
My dizziness is becoming more frequent.

It feels like all these things are saying to me 'tumour's gonna get ya, tumour's gonna get ya'
Also why do people have to say "your illness" "your ill" "your cancer"?? I know it describes what it is and I've gotten used to and accepted that I have a brain tumour and that it will shorten my life. But I don't think of myself as 'being ill' or 'having cancer'
If that makes me in 'denial' then....... whatever!!!

I'm feeling really down today :-(