Friday 23 October 2009

More drugs

On codiene for my back. I've pulled a muscle in my lower back, think its lifting Jamie on and off the trike side on.
Forgotten how floaty and spaced out codiene makes me feel. Not really doing much for the pain tho!!!
Also gone up a little on my AED's (lamotrigine) as I almost have seizure control, but not quite. So will see how that goes in the next few weeks.
I'm having a really good week this week.
Have a good 'Jamie' day planned tomorrow. Gonna take him to a farm park with his little girlfriend Izzy, my mum (nanny Dawn) is coming as well. So that should be a good day.
Gonna float off now!!! :-)

Thursday 22 October 2009

Quote of the day

Behind every successful man stands a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
-- Brooks Hays

The Man and His Two Wives Fable

In the old days, when men were allowed to have many wives, a middle-aged Man had one wife that was old and one that was young; each loved him very much, and desired to see him like herself. Now the Man's hair was turning grey, which the young Wife did not like, as it made him look too old for her husband. So every night
she used to comb his hair and pick out the white ones. But the elder Wife saw her husband growing grey with great pleasure, for she did not like to be mistaken for his mother. So every morning she used to arrange his hair and pick out as many of the black ones as she could. The consequence was the Man soon found himself
entirely bald.

Yield to all and you will soon have nothing to yield

Unbalanced

They say that 1 in 4 people are unbalanced
Think of 3 friends and if they seem okay, your the one.

Wednesday 21 October 2009

Quote of the day

Love your enemies just incase your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.
~ R .A Dickson

To 'my' Lee

I just wanted you to know..............

You are this to me


You're the thought that starts each morning
the conclusion to my day.
You are all in I do
and everything I say.

You're the smile on my face
the twinkle in my eye.
The warmth inside my heart
and the fullness in my life.

You're the hand laced im mine,
and the coat upon my back.
My friend, my love
my shoulder to lean on.

You're my silly, mature, caring
thoughtful, bright and honest guy.
The one who holds me tightly
when I need to cry.

You're the dimple to my cheek
the ever constant tingle in my soul
The voice that makes me weak
the hapiness of my life.

You are all I've ever wanted.
You are all I need
You are all I've dreamed of
You are all this to me

~ Ashley Curtid

Monday 19 October 2009

Quotes of the day

Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.
-- Eckhart Tolle

If you want to make good use of your time, you've got to know what's most important and then give it all you've got.
-- Lee Iacocca

A smile is the light in your window that tells others that there is a caring, sharing person inside.
-- Denis Waitley

Saturday 17 October 2009

Quote of the day

Don't worry about wrinkles, they're just antique smiles

My Sister Louise

A true sister is a friend who listens with her heart.
-- Author Unknown

My sister is my best friend, we have an unspoken understanding of each other (we refer to ourselves as twinies!!) My sister has and does share all my ups and downs. A lot of the time I don't even have to tell her what's wrong or how I'm feeling.
Just being around Louise and feeling she totally understands me, always makes me feel happy and that I'm not alone with anything in my life. If I'm on a mega downer, just having a tea with Louise is the best medicine for me and she always seems to make everything a little bit brighter. (Louise would says 'yeah, but I don't really do anything') but she does, without even realising it!

We share lots of memory's good and bad and have been through a lot together. We tell each other everything and I completely trust Louise 100%. I also feel that Louise never judges me and that's why I feel comfortable in telling her anything.

I've always said to Louise back in the day from when we were littlies that 'I always thought we'd live around the corner from each other and see each other every day' So when Louise moved to Cov I was convinced that was never gonna happen and I was gutted. But during that time we became closer and even more so since having our children.
I am sooooooooooooo chuffed and happy that now we finally do live around the corner from each other and we do see each other every day.

We have such a good laugh and its usually about silly things that other people wouldn't 'get' or even find funny. The joke I will always remember from when we were little and Louise will guess this before I even type it, is: Why did the chicken cross the road? coz it was stapled to the punk!! it still tickles me and makes me smile. At the time we were in fits of giggles and everyone else was like 'I don't get it!!!' which made us laugh even more :-)

Another thing that makes me laugh about Louise is her sayings. Louise would tell me "oh that friend is crap, doesn't text me etc etc....I'm going to 'phase her out'" So when ever I chat to Louise about my friends, she always says 'phase her, phase her' or 'are you phasing?' and we both laugh.

We have also been known to speak our own language (well kinda) we often speak 'Thing'
It may sound something like this....... Louise: 'you know the thing in the thing?' Jane: 'yeah I know the thing in the thing, but what about the thing?' Or something similar. Its because we r so often on the same wave length and way of thinking, that sometimes its easier to replace words with 'thing'. Other people (mainly lee and ant) look at us as if to say 'what the F are you chatting about' and we just say 'don't you speak thing?'

I could tell you so much about our laughs, leaks, chats, giggles and all the stories. But there are just too many.
What I do wanna say about my sister Louise is that, she is beautiful, brave, caring, loving, kind, sensitive, shy, confident, funny, curly, honest and lots more wonderful things.

I am so glad to have my sister and even more so since my diagnosis. I don't know how I would of coped without Louise by my side. Like I said before, with Louise I never feel alone with anything I do and we always seem to have a laugh.
Don't get me wrong, there are other fantastic loving people in my life who I love deeply, but..... Louise is my fantastic loving sister.
The best present my mum ever gave me was my little sister Louise (Louise will say I stole that quote from her!)
If it was Louise that had a tumour, I would be totally crushed and devastated and I'm sure Louise feels the same. The thought of Louise not being here, gives me such a big emotional throat lump that I think I might choke!

Anyway no way :-)
I know its all a bit deep and soppy but it needed saying.

Friday 16 October 2009

Things I dread

The things I dread.
Its not the thought of being dead
or the thought of being such a different person
It's not even the thoughts in anothers head.
Its being alone without a spoken word.
Its being alone without love
Its being alone without a caring word, a touch
or a loving kiss
Its being alone with thoughts I can't share
Its being alone to face the world
Its being alone without a laugh for another to hear
Its being alone in bed at night
and then realising you are still alone when you wake in the morning
Its being lost and having no one to find you.

The things I dread
Is missing seeing the little people in my life grow
to share with them what I know
Is to not get around to seeing all the natural beauty
having looked with closed eyes for so long
Is to have the chance to make new memory's taken away
and forgetting the ones that already exsist

The thing I dread the most is
losing people I love with all my heart.
forgetting the way they look, smell and sound
fading memories of their faces and the things they say
never being able to remind them just how much love I hold for them in my heart.
Its all these things and many more
Its all these things that remind me to live not to dread
to enjoy the moment, fill my heart with love and
most importantly be happy.

~ Jane Shann oct 2009

Wednesday 14 October 2009

Birthday!!

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count.
It's the life in your years
~ Abraham Lincoln

BIRTHDAY As we observe your birthday now, Your cake and gifts don't matter much. These common things aren't really you, Ribbons, paper hats and such We celebrate a person who Brings happiness to everyone, Someone who gives more than she gets, And fills our lives with joy and fun So Happy Birthday and many more! We hope you make it to a hundred and two, Because we cannot even dream What life would be like without you!
~ Joanna fuchs

I'd like to think that someone I know would write a poem like this for me :-)

Friday 9 October 2009

Quotes of the day

Always look on the bright side of life
~ my dad

Nothing ever stays the same
~ my dad

Was thinking about my dad on my trike this morning and remembered a couple of things he used to say to me. Hence these quotes of the day.

Thursday 8 October 2009

Life's up & downs

life is cheap
life is rich
life can be a fucking bitch

Life is happy
life is sad
Life can be the best you've had

Life is up
Life is down
life can go round and round

Life slows down
Life speeds up
Life should really fill your cup

Life is shit
Life is good
Life never works out how it should

When all is said and done
Life should be so much fun

~ Jane Shann 2009

Quote of the day

Life is like this: sometimes sun, sometimes rain.
-- Proverb, (Fiji)

Ups and downs and all the bits in between

Its been a day of ups and downs!!
I just get really pissed off that everyone can live there lives and go forward and I'm 'stuck'
It feels like I've been stuck for ages!!! I want to get on with stuff, move on, meet new people, do new things but it feels like it takes soooooo long. I've organised to do some new stuff but that doesn't start for another couple of months yet and some of it not until after Xmas.
It sounds like I'm bitching about nothing much really. But I've just had enough of being on hold because of this fucking thing getting in the way of everything.

On the up side, saw some lovely peeps today and had lots of tea and cake. Ate far too much cake, biscuits and sweet stuff today. Feel a bit sicky now. Troff troff troff.
Jamie is being a lot better, less testy and a bit more listeney.

Anyway I feel that my emotions and feelings are very raw at the moment. Like someones opened me up and exposed them all, I'm emotionally naked!
I wanna shout, scream, cry, laugh, cry some more, eat more cake (shouldn't eat my emotions), I wanna go into a big field and shout a bit fat 'fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!' I feel like I wanna poke peoples eyes out, jump up & down on a big pile of horse crap bla bla bla....... you get the picture!! Don't worry I'm not gonna actually poke someones eyes out. Well not today anyway :-)
It feels like its all out there at the moment, all my stuff! Feelings of happiness, sadness, and everything in between. I'm not used to having feelings I can't explain or deal with, having emotions I'm not used to. I'm having a feeling muddled time at the moment.
I wanna scream 'just fuck off'.

Mean while back at the bat cave...................
Someone once asked me (can't remember who!) if I had given my tumour a name. Apparently some people do!!!!! (I just randomly remembered that) Anyway, I've never even thought about it and think why would anyone do that? its not your friend, your pet, your baby so why give it a name? I still think that I will wake up one day and the fucker would have fell out of my ear onto the pillow. So why give it a name? will I then have to give it a funeral? I find that all a bit weird!!

Its my birthday next week and I've been thinking......This time last year I was blissfully unaware of what was going on in my brain and looking forward to going to New York. I was 30 and excited about going to America. I didn't even know. I thought 'yeah this is where my life begins, my thirties will be my finest hour'.....get in.

It seems like my birthday last year was about 3 yrs ago. So much has happened, we've been through so much, I've changed so much since last year and my future and life has been shoved down a different path now. I should be happy about surviving to see another birthday and therefore should be happier at each future birthday. But I'm not happy about this birthday. It just makes me think that things could of been so different, had i not been diagnosed last December and I think this Xmas I will feel the same. It's sort of like when somebody close to you dies and everyone tells you 'its the firsts that are the worst' and I think that's what it is!
Don't wanna celebrate my birthday this year! feel like I should be in mourning or something, what random crap that is!!! Also got my next scan in between birthday and Xmas, so that will put a rose coloured tint on everything....never mind.

Tuesday 6 October 2009

Quote of the day

Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.
-- Grace Hansen

Every day should be a simple one!

A Simple Day
by Fion Lim

To wake up in the morning, knowing you're still alive,
To know you have a choice each day, starting afresh,
To find joy in everyday, acknowledging simple pleasures,
To live in the present moment, engaging your awareness,
To count the blessings in life, believing abundance abounds,
To enjoy the work you do, following your passion,
To make a little difference, adding to the universe,
To be what you are, listening to your inner being,
To give away love, rejoicing in the chance to give,
To receive love with gratitude, feeling good about it,
To smile at strangers, seeing how infectious it can be,
To speak words of kindness, spreading a little warmth,
To understand with compassion, opening up your mind,
To play with children, nurturing your inner child,
To appreciate the nature, soaking up all the beauty,
To feel the warmth of the sun, glowing upon your skin,
To listen to the falling rain, pattering on the grounds
To taste the richness of food, sliding down your throat,
To smell the freshness of air, filling up your lungs,
To see the falling night, concluding a well-lived day,
That's life, that's living,
That's the core of what really matters...
And if I've missed out anything,
Please let love make up for all of it.

Copyright © 2007 Fion Lim. All rights reserved.

Monday 5 October 2009

Another tough day

Jamie has been really testing and ignoring me today. It's sooooo hard at times.
Not having a good day myself, very emotional. So it makes it all extra hard.
I just wanna crawl into a comfy dark hole and sleep for 2 days. If that was available on ebay i'd be bidding for it right now!!!
Lets hope tomorrow is a brighter day.....'the sunna come up tomorrow' Annie, bless her :-)

This is how I feel today

Why me?
Life unfolds before me
Sometimes it scares me
Why is it so hard to be
The person inside me
Can a mind be set free
Where can I find the key
I wish That I could see
What others see in me

~ author unknown

Sunday 4 October 2009

Check this out.......

........ I found this on the web

Researchers in Spain have discovered that a cannabis extract makes brain tumors shrink by halting the growth of blood vessels that supply the tumors with life. Cannabis has chemicals called cannabinoids, these are the chemicals that could effectively starve tumors to death, say the researchers.

The study was carried out at the Complutense University, Madrid, Spain.

The team used mice to demonstrate that the cannabinoids block vessel growth.

You can read about this latest research in the journal Cancer Research.

Apparently, the procedure is also effective in humans.

Funny quotes of the day

Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
-- Joe Namath

He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
-- Author Unknown

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
-- Gandhi

Saturday 3 October 2009

Hard day

Its been a hard day, but i wouldn't change any of it for the world.

Jamie was such hard work today. Pulling curtains, kicking things, running off, not listening, being destructive.......you can imagine the scene.
Constantly pushing, pushing, testing, testing, testing all day not one minute let up. I managed to keep my cool all day (not sure how), explaining reasons calmly, acknowledge his feelings, being patient and most of all reminding Jamie that I love him.
Fuck me its SO hard to be all those things when your faced with a day like today. I did shout at Jamie once today and he said "don't shout mummy, its not nice to shout at people" I said "sorry" explained why I shouted and we had a hug.
I want Jamie to feel secure in the fact that no matter who he is, what kind of day he's having, what mistakes or choices he makes that I love him. I think it is so important for Jamie to know that he is loved without conditions (That I love him unconditionally).
It is also important to me that I guide and teach Jamie rather get him to follow instructions and learn to be/do what I tell him to be/do.
Even tho we have these hard days, Jamie doesn't have tantrums and I'm still waiting for the 'terrible two's' to start!!!
Having said all that. Days like this remind me that I love being a mum, that I'm so glad that I'm here to be a mum and more importantly here to be Jamie's mum.
He has drained every ounce of energy out of me today and I was sooooo relieved when it was finally his bed time.
but as I said..........I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

Oh and the best bit of today was.....My gorgeous hubby rode 100km on his bike (off road) to raise money for the Astro fund. I'm so so proud of him.

Quotes of the day

If I had to select one quality, one personal characteristic that I regard as being most highly correlated with success, whatever the field, I would pick the trait of persistence. Determination. The will to endure to the end, to get knocked down seventy times and get up off the floor saying, "Here comes number seventy-one!"
-- Richard M. DeVos

Remember happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think.
-- Dale Carnegie

A woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt