Monday 31 August 2009

Regrets & friendships

Have been thinking about my life and the type of person i've been for the last 30 yrs.
The saying 'life is too short to have regrets' is so true. You cant' change the past and all your life experiences (good or bad) make you the person you are today.
Having said that I do have a couple of regrets.............
Mainly the way I have delt with friendships in the past. How I've had unrealistic standards and expectations of my friends and how I may have reacted or treated them because they didn't quite meet up to them. It all sounds a bit heavy I know!! But Its something I have come to realise over the last year or so. I also used to think that a good friend ment a tight bond and a complete understanding of each other. Hence why my friendships tended to be intense but short lived!!
I look back now and think 'what a dick' a lot of those people where being a friend. Not all of them were, but hey we learn from r mistakes! (eventually)
I do have 1 friendship like that, but that is with my sister and thats why it's different.
I think my other regret is not finding out who I am and what could and would make me enjoy my life sooner. I would say that has only happened in the last 4 yrs (since my dad died) a life changing event and all that. But I am glad i found the real Jane eventually :-) This probably sounds like complete bollocks to anyone that reads this!! but hey.
I'm sure we do all have some regrets. But are there other people out there that would admit to theirs?

Sunday 30 August 2009

Its all about the drugs man!!

Fucking seizures are returning again!!! am reducing me meds due side affects and am eventually weaning off them completely. Consultant said my seizures may increase in intensity and frequency, which I fully expected. But its still a fucker.
Where i'm at with my Meds:
Keppra (drug 1) 90% seizure control. Too many extreme side affects. Discontinued use.
Lamotrigine (drug 2) 50% seizure control. no side affects. continued use as a stabiliser.
Carbamazapine (drug 3) about 90% seizure control together with (drug 2). Crappy side affects. discontinuing use.
When completely off (drug 3) Will stay on (drug 2) as my base and try a new drug (drug 4)
Not sure what drug 4 will be yet, will find out when i'm totally off drug 3.

All this just to control my seizures!! When I have 90% control with my seizures, I do slowly forget what its like having regular seizures. How it effects my confidence and what i do day to day and how I shut myself away.
It's harder having seizures when I'm out on my own with jamie. He doesn't really understand and I'm worried he will run off! We do have a little code and he knows what to do. I just get him to wait by me and hold my hand till its over. But he's a nearly 3 yr old and there maybe times that he's not near to me! so when i have more seizures and there's no one to come out with us, I tend to stay in. As you can imagin with jamie and his energy, its a nightmare staying in for more than a few hours.
Oh and I dread getting a bus on my own when I'm having frequent seizures. They could happen when I'm trying to on or off the bus. Well you get the picture.

Not a happy bunny!! but hate crappy side affects, so it needs doing.

Moving on

Having a more positive day today. Some days you just realise the crap hand you've been delt and then feel a bit crap. But then other days you realise how lucky you are (in lots of ways) and what you have to look forward to. I'm not used to feeling lonely! some people like their own company, but not me.
Sometimes it feels like my life has stood still and everyone is carrying on with their's and its all happening around me.
I know its not people's fault if they forget me from time to time or if they simply don't have the time. I also appreciate we all have are own little soap operas going on. Its just that one episode in my life takes a month to watch! because when you don't have much in your life, time slows right down.
I am doing things to change all that. But as most plans, they take time!
I'm like a catapillar....I'm just impatient in becoming that butterfly.
Jane x x

Who ate all the cakes?

I ate a few, probably a few more than that! (to cheer myself up) didn't really work. I just felt fat. oh and a little bit sick. Jamie polished off a few. Lee ate some to keep his energy levels up :-)
Took the rest to Lee's dad's, hope lee's dad and clare enjoyed them.
Oh and there's a couple of cheeky one's left in the fridge.
Jane x x

Have you ever thought..........

......what people will say about you after you've died?
You see it on the tele all the time. 'He/she lit up every room' 'so full of life' 'everyone loved and adored he/she'
People never say 'he/she did my head in' 'he/she had the annoying habit of chopping when they ate' 'Never brought me a pint' 'still owes me a fiver' 'never had a nice word to say about anyone' 'had no friends' 'crap shag' etc.......
What would people say about you?
I hope people will be honest!! doubt very much they will (never speak ill of the dead and all that)
What do I think people will say about me? well I hope they may say things like....
'great mum and raised a well rounded and lovely little person' 'great sense of humour' 'often lifted my day' 'made a big impact on me' I'm sure there's more, but can't really think of many at the moment. What people might actually think or say who knows? Probably the normal stuff that people say! I do hope people may find something unique to say about me as I think I am a bit unique and random. What about if people said what they had always wanted to ask you or to know about you but never asked. Or if people told your secrets.
Also what would be on your head stone? 'never knew where they put anything' 'couldn't say no to chocolate' 'always wanted a pet snake'
I've also often wondered how the papers or Tv might discribe me if I died in a tragic accident, was murdered or went missing! Would it be 'Cuddley brain tumour mum dies in tragic road crash' or 'Wantage mum goes missing: Brown hair, blue eyes, slighty chunky with short legs' How would people discribe the way I am/look?
I will think more on that and see what I think people might say. Might even ask a few people.
Watch this space :-)

Saturday 29 August 2009

My recent pics


My gorgeous boys and me and jamie's wheels

Feel Better

..........now I've had some wine and started my blog. I just wanted to say that my blog isn't because I want or need a reaction from anyone, its just a peak into my life if you choose to have a look. Everyone is welcome.
Much love until next time
jane x x

My first post: Saturday

Been a long day with Jamie. We made A LOT of cakes to pass the time. Rice Crispie cakes, fairy cakes and a lot of tasting :-)
Lee was at work and then played footy. Everyone else seems to be busy. Another lonely day in the life of Jane. Miss being someone other than Jamies mum!!! as much as i do love being jamies mum.
Been feeling really lonely and abandoned by everyone that knows me, but hey!!
Watching Xfactor now. So much love and goodbye
Jane x

Fairy cake receipe we used
http://www.ivillage.co.uk/food/experts/coach/articles/0,,177274_673444,00.html