What a week

Monday: Had MRI scan at the hospital

Tuesday: Jamie's coughing began, he totally freaked out in his sleep and was waking up through the night. None of us slept

Wednesday: Jamie was poorly and coughing a lot. Another bad nights sleep. Jamie had a lay in till 7.15am. Had a slight temperature today

Thursday: What a day!! Jamie woke up at 4am. He totally filled his nappy with poo at about 6am and had to be hosed down. Lee did the early, so i managed to have half a lay in. Jamie managed to do 9 big poos today and his temperature went up to 39. Took Jaime to the doc's and he diagnosed him to have flu, but wasn't sure what type so prescribed him tamiflu. I was prescribed preventative tamilflu as I'm considered higher risk. Plus me and lee had to go back later and have our flu jabs, so that I won't get ill. Also had to go to the dentist for my nightmare treatment (a crown) wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But had a numb face for about 5hrs and then some pain when it wore off.

Friday: Jamie's temp is down, he's still really poorly. But still trying to battle on, bless him. His cough is really bad today and he's off his food a bit more too. Me and Lee are suffering from some side effects of the flu jab. Haven't really done much today, we all had a lovely afternoon sleep tho.

Weekend: Went on my jewellery course on Saturday, it was great I really enjoyed it. Jamie spent time with his aunty Adeline & uncle Dave on sat. Jamie is much better now, but still poorly. He is very cryey and has just fell asleep watching jungle book. Jamie never falls asleep during the day, so I know he's ill. My bigger boy is now poorly. But lee doesn't do being ill!! he try's to get on with things and won't rest or go back to bed (has never had 'man flu') Lee's normal colds only last 24hrs. He is the opposite to me, never catches anything and If he does it doesn't bother him much. Lee got all moody this morning, so I sent him back to bed. He must be ill as he stayed there!!! My two boys are soooo a like :-)
I'm just waiting for the flu from hell to get me, coz I know it will eventually. I never get away with it, its just a matter of time.

Because I Was Told I Can

Because I Was Told I Can ~ By Jan Graham

About 6 months ago, I joined a gym. Every morning, there is one personal trainer there that works out at the same time that my little group does our workout. He does his "routine" with such a quiet determination that he makes it all look very easy; although I know all too well how hard he is working. When I am tempted to whine and quit, I watch him push himself to his own limits, and I find myself motivated to work as hard and without complaint.

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching him do chin ups. He made them look effortless. I broke away from my group and asked him if I could try a chin up. I had never tried before, but he just made it look so easy. He eagerly stepped aside and encouraged me to step up to the bar. I pulled myself up without thinking...once...then twice. That was all I had in me, I had no strength left. I told him that was all I had, so he stepped up behind me and pushed me up for a third and fourth "pull." It felt so good. I felt strong and I smiled from ear to ear.

The next day when I was done my workout, I asked him to spot me again. Again, I did two. Again on day three and so on. I thought it was pathetic that I could only do two, but when I came to the gym at the end of the week, he was standing there just shaking his head. When I asked him what was up, he said he was impressed with my chin ups. He told me that when they are training firefighters, the men are required to do 5 chin ups, and women are required to do 1 or 2. He explained that most people can't do them at all, and that he was impressed that I could. He further told me that if I practiced every day, I would be doing 5 or 6 in no time. At this point I should probably add that I am 50 years old...and female.

The moral of this story...because I didn't know any better, because he told me I could, I saw no reason to doubt. I just jumped in and gave it a try - and I did it! I didn't see it as a great accomplishment, because I didn't realize that it was difficult and it became my goal to get stronger. No one told me I couldn't do it, in fact, I was encouraged to try. Had he told me initially how difficult it was, I more than likely would not have tried at all. Or I might have tried, but given it only half an effort, because failure would have been the expectation. I applaud him for letting me believe that for me, it was not only a possibility, but that success was a realistic expectation.

How many times have we decided not to try at all because we were told that we couldn't, that we shouldn't, that we had expectations that were too ambitious? How many times have we told our children, our friends and our co-workers that they couldn't do something; that their ideas were impossible or beyond reach? How many times have we told ourselves that we would fail before we even started?

I started to ponder examples that I had witnessed and this came to mind...I recalled a conversation a friend of mine had with his daughter just prior to her heading off to university. He spoke to her (with good intentions) of how hard she would have to work in order to succeed. University wasn't like High School - this was the real world and now she would have to grow up. This child quit after two years. Another friend spoke to her daughter of the adventure she was embarking on and how proud she was. I remember how we laughed because the mother already had her outfit picked out for convocation day! This child just graduated with her degree in physiology. Looking back, neither daughter was more intelligent than the other. Was it the silent expectations (or lack thereof) that predicted the outcome?

I have a new approach now. I have experienced first hand how good it feels to rush in so innocently. To believe that we CAN do it and go on to accomplish exactly what we set out to do, because no one told us we couldn't. I've learned how important it is to support others (and ourselves) in our endeavors and to let them know that we believe they can do it rather than telling them we think that they can't.

I personally want to be like my trainer; standing there behind the people that I love, encouraging them, believing in them and being ready to catch them when they get tired. I will be the one that is there on the second and third day making sure they try again, because I know they CAN.

What a powerful lesson this has been for me. I'll be doing "5" in no time at all. Because I was told I CAN.

Cheer Up, It May Never Happen

Cheer up, it may never happen
is what they say
but it already might have
it could be the worst
tears ready to burst

They may see a frown
a sad face
maybe its a forever goodbye
thats made you cry

Maybe it's seeing yourself
ugly and fat
causing hurt over years
had they thought of that

Cheer up, it may never happen
is what they say
how do they know it hasn't
a broken heart
to be apart
love thats lost
to get back at any cost

It maybe something horrible
even traggic
many devastated to see
a horrific event
then its anniversary

Maybe a nightmare
an impossible situation
totally alone
no bed
no home

Cheer up, it may never happen
is what they say
never to them
give a smile
don't say
just walk away

~ Jane Shann (Nov 2009)

Been thinking today..................

......'Oh fuck I've got a brain tumour!!' It sounds serious when you say it out loud.
Its probably because I was watching an old inspector morse when I was doing the ironing today and there was a guy on there that had a brain tumour and only had a year to live. They were all like dum dum duuuuuum 'a brain tumour how awful....' what what!! (coz thats how they talk in Oxford don't you know)

Anyway I was also thinking that If someone told me they had a brain tumour and I didn't have one, I'd be like 'oh fuck, how long have you got?' I don't think I'd actually say that, but thats what i'd be thinking. If you don't know anything about brain tumours, then you'd probably just think that person must have weeks or months to live.
When they told me and Lee, I remember my first question was 'am I gonna die?' and I can't actually remember what their answer was!!

I think all these thoughts come up again around hospital appointments etc. But some days everything I think about, even random unrelated stuff seems to lead onto brain tumour related stuff!! just the way it is sometimes I guess........Or maybe I just think too much and should go back to drinking wine :-)

Where would I be......

.......without my sister as my friend?
Louise is a star and always helps me out whenever I need help or support. She is one of a few people that I would leave Jamie with and am at ease when I do. Thanks for being super sister today.

.......without my Lee?
I couldn't go through and survive half the things I do without Lee. I couldn't be without him, its all about me and Lee and it always will be. We are brave and scared together. As gay as it sounds we are 'team shann' :-)

........without Jamie?
He is my little ray of sunshine in the morning. He makes me smile and laugh in so many ways. He makes me proud of him and proud to be myself. He makes me love being a mum.

The Hare With Many Friends

A Hare was very popular with the other beasts who all claimed to be her friends. But one day she heard the hounds approaching and hoped to escape them by the aid of her many Friends. So, she went to the horse, and asked him to carry her away from the hounds on his back. But he declined, stating that he had important work to do for his master.

"He felt sure," he said, "that all her other friends would come to her assistance."

She then applied to the bull, and hoped that he would repel the hounds with his horns.

The bull replied: "I am very sorry, but I have an appointment with a lady; but I feel sure that our friend the goat will do what you want."

The goat, however, feared that his back might do her some harm if he took her upon it. The ram, he felt sure, was the proper friend to apply to. So she went to the ram and told him the case.

The ram replied: "Another time, my dear friend. I do not like to interfere on the present occasion, as hounds have been known to eat sheep as well as hares."

The Hare then applied, as a last hope, to the calf, who regretted that he was unable to help her, as he did not like to take the responsibility upon himself, as so many older persons than himself had declined the task. By this time the hounds were quite near, and the Hare took to her heels and luckily escaped.

He that has many friends, has no friends

Scan day

Had my scan at 8.30am this morning. Its just become one of those routine things, like going to the dentists every 6 months. Its just a pain in the arse more than anything. Having to go up to the JR through mental traffic, to organise childcare and lee to get time off. It would be good if my GP had his own machine and I just popped into that one :-) but apparently they are mega expensive and I don't even think my doc has enough of a budget even for an extra pen!!!

Feeling groggy as shit today, don't know why?? just wanna sleep. It does fuck me off, as I seem to get everything going. Its always been that way with me tho. Sometimes I think I will get some random old disease like the plague or small pox!!!

Jamie has started saying little things that I say, coz he spends so much of his time with me. Things like......'that's so random' and he's started to pronounce certain words like I do. Like butter & water with no 't's. I think it's really sweet, but it winds Lee up a little bit as he likes to pronounce his words proper :-) I come from Hemel but I say 'emal' (not pronouncing the 'h') Lee was trying to do an impression of me and take the piss yesterday. He pronounced Hemel 'air mal' it made me piss myself laughing. It sounded a bit like an American trying to do an English accent!!! Some of you will be thinking 'what is she chatting about?' but Lena will hopefully know what I'm chatting about (my cousin in emal!!)

Anywho....Lee is busy knocking walls down in the kitchen, whilst me and Jamie are busy watching Cbeebies. There is a lot of noise coming from the kitchen, maybe we should go check he hasn't squished himself!! but then I spose the noise would stop if he had. Boys love bashing shit down, don't they?

Got a massive pile of ironing to do, which I could really do without but Jamie has no trousers left in his wardrobe. Can't have my little lad going out all creased!!

My eyeballs hurt!! (probably some 'random' old eye disease setting in) so gonna stop typing now. Kiss kiss

Don't really know how I feel today

......Bit up, bit down.
Feeling a bit pissed off I have a tumour, when normally I don't give it a second thought or at least I don't think about it very often.
I think it maybe because I have my scan on Monday!! I don't get worried, scared or upset when I have a scan it just makes me think about my tumour a bit more. The crappy thing is I won't get my results until the 9th December (3 weeks after my scan). That's the bit I do worry about, not in a major way, I just get a bit nervous.
Also I'm having some major tooth stuff done at the dentists on Thursday, which I am shit scared about. I will have to have my mouth open for a whole hour, can you imagine that 'a whole hour'???. I think once that is over with I will feel much better.
The good stuff is I am enjoying being Jamie's mum :-) we are getting more stuff done in the house and Lee is being extra lovely.
Toodle do x x

Quotes of the day

Always kiss your children goodnight - even if they're already asleep.
-- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
-- Elizabeth Stone

One who walks the road with love will never walk the road alone.
-- C. T. Davis

A Box of Kisses

The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.

Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.

He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside it?"

The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said,"Oh, Daddy, it is not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy."

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.

It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.

In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends and family. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

Author ~ Unknown

I'm so glad its not you

Been thinking about me and my tumour and how people have reacted and how they must be feeling or dealing with it all.

Thinking about how they must be feeling about me, about losing me, about maybe having to watch me get really poorly, get cancer, having operations and treatment, seeing me suffer mental disability and not really being me, suffering minor or major physical disability, seeing me have seizures etc etc

I would absolutely be devastated if i had to watch all that happening to someone I loved, thinking about all those things and having to find a way of dealing with it. I think I would cry a LOT and all I can say is I would just be totally devastated. Also I don't think I could be with that person without thinking about whats in their head and what its doing in there! I would probably get really fucking angry and think why them?
I really don't know how I would react, but like to think it would be in a loving, supportive and strong way for that person. I think it would all depend on how that person was dealing with it themselves and how they were feeling.

Some people have said to me 'your so strong, I can't believe how well your dealing with it all, I would be a total wreck if it was me, I would be devastated'. But I am not really worried about me or even dying, its just so fucking awful to think how it will affect my boys and how it will make them suffer the deepest sadness. How it will make everyone else feel and what feelings, emotions and sadness they will have to go through now and in the future and to think its all because of me and this crappy thing in my head.
Don't get me wrong I've had to deal with a lot of stuff, emotions and feelings etc but I don't think I'm strong I'm just dealing with it 'the Jane way'

When they told me I had a brain tumour, my first reaction was 'what about my boys' 'what about Jamie' and that's what made me cry and even saying or thinking that now still makes me cry. A lot of the shit I've had to face is knowing that i am not always gonna be there for the people I love. Leaving Jamie without his mum, Lee without his wife, Louise without her sister, my mum without her daughter, my niece and nephew without their aunty, my friends, my cousin (the one and only :-) etc etc and how they will feel when I'm not here and then how they will be forced to deal with it all. I know too well how it can devastate people and their lives when my dad died and how it continues to do so.
I also think who will be there for them all??? That for me is the saddest bit of all. I wouldn't wish for them to see me get poorly in anyway that causes them sadness or pain in their hearts.
Having said all that I am happy that I'm finally in a place to get on with my life and be happy and at peace with it all (I know the peace bit sounds a bit lame, but its true) I also know that the people i hold dear to my heart are a long way behind me and frankly I don't blame them and completely understand as I would be exactly the same.

I was also thinking the other day that people tell me they love me a lot more since my diagnosis. I suppose its like when someone dies you think 'I wish I had said I love you and spent more time with them' where as with me they get the chance to do that.

I was thinking about how it will be when Jamie is at the age that I will have to explain about my illness and how do you tell your son? I think it's all a bit 'tight' but unavoidable. Knowing Jamie and how he is aware of so much, understands so much and asks so many questions it won't be long!!! All he knows at the moment is that I have 'dizzy headaches' and that I have to take tablets for them. Its so nice to think he doesn't know and at the moment its not making him sad.

Even though I've said why its horrible for me. I have often said to people 'It's easier to be the patient and the one that has it' and people look at me as if to say 'what the fuck are you chatting about?' I can deal with what happens to me. But it would be heart wrenching to see it all happen to someone I love and for them to go through it all. So that's why its easier to be the patient and that's why ..........
I'm so glad it's not you.

Quotes of the day

There are no hopeless situations; there are only people who have grown hopeless about them.
-- Clare Boothe

Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who decided to stand their ground.
-- Anonymous

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
-- Ann Landers

Quick update

When ever I say I haven't had a seizure I have one!!!
I had been 10 days seizure free, which I thought was weird as I have been really ill. I'm still poorly, but now its a sore throat and a bit of snot. I'm still sleeping badly, so I feel I'm constantly tired! Maybe tiredness is the reason I had a seizure this morning!

God I sound like an old git moaning on about all my aliments and health problems.....boring.
I haven't had much else going on apart from being ill, so that's what I've talked about.

Anyway, my lovely cousin came to visit at the weekend. She has two children and luckily they all play really nicely together, which doesn't really make sense to our mummy brains!! as they are 2yrs, 3yrs and 5yrs. It could of been so different tho, there could quite easily of been lots of fighting, wars, blood and tears. But we were grateful it was good and they seemed really happy to play together, even if it was very NOISY.

Weird

The funny thing is, that I haven't had any seizures all week and they are expected to increase in frequency and/or intensity when your ill!! Maybe it's due to my drug increase the week before.

Shitty week

Talk about shit week or what.......Expected it to be a good one, as it was Lee's week off.
But passed out in the bathroom Monday morning, slept all of Monday and Tuesday. Got out of bed Wednesday at midday. Thursday struggled through the day (as Lee was out for the day). Friday slept till midday, felt low on energy and struggled through the rest of the day.

Have just been feeling REALLY tired. Monday I felt sick and really dizzy everytime I tried to get out of bed and the same on tuesday. Just generally feeling shitty, achy and tired all week.
Feels like I got hit by some kind of super virus on monday and it's just been beating me up all week!!

Weekend I felt much better, bit of a sore throat, a mild headache and only feeling slightly tired. But saturday evening my eyeballs were hurting!! (like someone has trying to push them out from inside my head) sore throat and the tiredness really hit me.
Today my eyes still hurt, still have a sore throat but now I have constant ear ache and every know and again I will get a sharp stabbing pain in that ear and feeling really tired again. What the fuck is all that about???

Anyway..... when I used to get ill pre tumour, my family and friends would say "oh Janes ill AGAIN" as I seemed to be the one that always got ill and would get everything going. Now they all say "go to the doctor" "its not right" "it could be telling you something" "your brain, your brain" but seriously they do go on at me a lot more now, where as before I felt like I was just left to get on with it, as I was ill so often.

Still feeling really crappy and its horrible to think I've ruined and wasted this week for us all. We normally make the most out of lee's week off as he doesn't get weekends off like everyone else and his week off seems to make up for that a bit.

Back to normal routine this week. So I will just have to get on with it.
Lee said it was lap top withdrawal symptoms as I hadn't been on mine all week :-) Ha ha.
Lets hope I wake up tommorow a new women!! (with fantastic perky breasts and a bum to match) :-)