Feeling a bit down today as I re-realised that I won't be around at Jamies wedding or to see him have children and that I would be really lucky to see him reach his teans. Haven't thought about it for ages and have been thinking for a while that......I'm gonna be one of the ones that live's for another 20yrs, maybe that could happen to me, maybe I will be one of the lucky ones, yep that's gonna be me.
It breaks my heart to think I won't be around to see jamie grow, to be happy and to see what kinda person he will be. It is also even more sad to think that my illness/death will have a major impact on his life and influence who he is (no matter what his age). Knowing that it's all gonna be because of me and what will ultimately happen to our family, makes me deeply sad.
Realistically Jamie will be 20yrs old at absolute best case. So to think my little man will be without me so young in his life, really pains me to even think about it.
I can handle the idea of being ill and all the stuff that comes with that.....premature death bla bla. But when it comes to my little man, it cuts like a knife through my heart to think how all this will effect him.
All you mums must understand?
Or maybe not as this is not your reality? and you can take it all for granted?
Anyway need to go and have a bit of a cry now x x
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It's not just the mum's who cry over this! My little Ella was just about 11 months old when it all went astray for me. I read bedtime stories to her, and now my Finnie, and sometimes think that this will be a memory of their daddy who left them a long time ago... I sometimes ask my wife what she will say about me, and she say's that my children will know that I was a lovely, caring, intelligent man (God, I love my wife!). They'll miss me, but we are prepared for it all emotionally and it won't be so bad for them (I hope).
ReplyDeleteWe've (you and I) still have a suprising length of time left! I've got used to the idea of it, as I've lived with the whole psychological aspect of this for 6 years. I know where you are at the moment - believe me! It most certainly helps knowing that you are not on your own. It made a big difference to me when I met others in a big meeting at my hospital (The National Institute of Neurology and Neurosurgery in the West End of London). It was from that that I started the Gliomasupport group. That really made a difference as we got together and talked about it all.
God, it hurts the heart more than the head! Remember though, it's a change of perspecive as well - seeing life in a different way. You won't believe me but there is also good sides to it all (that sounds crazy!). I get the idea that you are a strong individual emotionally. It does get better.
Joe
A very sad, but moving post, it made me cry!
ReplyDeleteJamie is blessed to have a mummy like you, and I'm sure Your big man, your family and your friends will make sure he always remembers how wonderful his mum is, and how much she loved him!
But you have years left, and I'm sure you will make sure they are filled with as many great memories as you possibly can.
Have you thought of doing a 'memory box' for Jamie, filling it with notes/momentos that will remind him of you and the time you had together?
Irene
xx
Thanks Irene, thats really sweet of you to say.
ReplyDeleteYep I have started a memory box, haven't got much in it yet. Have also started a little book for jamie, I write all his funny bits, things he say's, things we do together etc. I write it as if I'm writing to Jamie, so he can read it when he's older. You soon forget all the little things he's said or why he made you laugh, So it will be nice to look back and remember. Lee writes in it too. We also attach photos in the book, they are all of jamie so far.
Any Ideas of what kinda thing I could put in my memory box? I haven't really put anything in there yet!
I'd say things that scream out you!
ReplyDeleteThose old leg warmers that you still wore even though they wered frayed at the bottom.
pictures of you, Lee & Jamie from when he was born.
All sorts of things that will help him remember his wonderful mum!
You'll be one of the lucky ones.
ReplyDelete