What a week

Monday: Had MRI scan at the hospital

Tuesday: Jamie's coughing began, he totally freaked out in his sleep and was waking up through the night. None of us slept

Wednesday: Jamie was poorly and coughing a lot. Another bad nights sleep. Jamie had a lay in till 7.15am. Had a slight temperature today

Thursday: What a day!! Jamie woke up at 4am. He totally filled his nappy with poo at about 6am and had to be hosed down. Lee did the early, so i managed to have half a lay in. Jamie managed to do 9 big poos today and his temperature went up to 39. Took Jaime to the doc's and he diagnosed him to have flu, but wasn't sure what type so prescribed him tamiflu. I was prescribed preventative tamilflu as I'm considered higher risk. Plus me and lee had to go back later and have our flu jabs, so that I won't get ill. Also had to go to the dentist for my nightmare treatment (a crown) wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But had a numb face for about 5hrs and then some pain when it wore off.

Friday: Jamie's temp is down, he's still really poorly. But still trying to battle on, bless him. His cough is really bad today and he's off his food a bit more too. Me and Lee are suffering from some side effects of the flu jab. Haven't really done much today, we all had a lovely afternoon sleep tho.

Weekend: Went on my jewellery course on Saturday, it was great I really enjoyed it. Jamie spent time with his aunty Adeline & uncle Dave on sat. Jamie is much better now, but still poorly. He is very cryey and has just fell asleep watching jungle book. Jamie never falls asleep during the day, so I know he's ill. My bigger boy is now poorly. But lee doesn't do being ill!! he try's to get on with things and won't rest or go back to bed (has never had 'man flu') Lee's normal colds only last 24hrs. He is the opposite to me, never catches anything and If he does it doesn't bother him much. Lee got all moody this morning, so I sent him back to bed. He must be ill as he stayed there!!! My two boys are soooo a like :-)
I'm just waiting for the flu from hell to get me, coz I know it will eventually. I never get away with it, its just a matter of time.

Because I Was Told I Can

Because I Was Told I Can ~ By Jan Graham

About 6 months ago, I joined a gym. Every morning, there is one personal trainer there that works out at the same time that my little group does our workout. He does his "routine" with such a quiet determination that he makes it all look very easy; although I know all too well how hard he is working. When I am tempted to whine and quit, I watch him push himself to his own limits, and I find myself motivated to work as hard and without complaint.

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching him do chin ups. He made them look effortless. I broke away from my group and asked him if I could try a chin up. I had never tried before, but he just made it look so easy. He eagerly stepped aside and encouraged me to step up to the bar. I pulled myself up without thinking...once...then twice. That was all I had in me, I had no strength left. I told him that was all I had, so he stepped up behind me and pushed me up for a third and fourth "pull." It felt so good. I felt strong and I smiled from ear to ear.

The next day when I was done my workout, I asked him to spot me again. Again, I did two. Again on day three and so on. I thought it was pathetic that I could only do two, but when I came to the gym at the end of the week, he was standing there just shaking his head. When I asked him what was up, he said he was impressed with my chin ups. He told me that when they are training firefighters, the men are required to do 5 chin ups, and women are required to do 1 or 2. He explained that most people can't do them at all, and that he was impressed that I could. He further told me that if I practiced every day, I would be doing 5 or 6 in no time. At this point I should probably add that I am 50 years old...and female.

The moral of this story...because I didn't know any better, because he told me I could, I saw no reason to doubt. I just jumped in and gave it a try - and I did it! I didn't see it as a great accomplishment, because I didn't realize that it was difficult and it became my goal to get stronger. No one told me I couldn't do it, in fact, I was encouraged to try. Had he told me initially how difficult it was, I more than likely would not have tried at all. Or I might have tried, but given it only half an effort, because failure would have been the expectation. I applaud him for letting me believe that for me, it was not only a possibility, but that success was a realistic expectation.

How many times have we decided not to try at all because we were told that we couldn't, that we shouldn't, that we had expectations that were too ambitious? How many times have we told our children, our friends and our co-workers that they couldn't do something; that their ideas were impossible or beyond reach? How many times have we told ourselves that we would fail before we even started?

I started to ponder examples that I had witnessed and this came to mind...I recalled a conversation a friend of mine had with his daughter just prior to her heading off to university. He spoke to her (with good intentions) of how hard she would have to work in order to succeed. University wasn't like High School - this was the real world and now she would have to grow up. This child quit after two years. Another friend spoke to her daughter of the adventure she was embarking on and how proud she was. I remember how we laughed because the mother already had her outfit picked out for convocation day! This child just graduated with her degree in physiology. Looking back, neither daughter was more intelligent than the other. Was it the silent expectations (or lack thereof) that predicted the outcome?

I have a new approach now. I have experienced first hand how good it feels to rush in so innocently. To believe that we CAN do it and go on to accomplish exactly what we set out to do, because no one told us we couldn't. I've learned how important it is to support others (and ourselves) in our endeavors and to let them know that we believe they can do it rather than telling them we think that they can't.

I personally want to be like my trainer; standing there behind the people that I love, encouraging them, believing in them and being ready to catch them when they get tired. I will be the one that is there on the second and third day making sure they try again, because I know they CAN.

What a powerful lesson this has been for me. I'll be doing "5" in no time at all. Because I was told I CAN.

Cheer Up, It May Never Happen

Cheer up, it may never happen
is what they say
but it already might have
it could be the worst
tears ready to burst

They may see a frown
a sad face
maybe its a forever goodbye
thats made you cry

Maybe it's seeing yourself
ugly and fat
causing hurt over years
had they thought of that

Cheer up, it may never happen
is what they say
how do they know it hasn't
a broken heart
to be apart
love thats lost
to get back at any cost

It maybe something horrible
even traggic
many devastated to see
a horrific event
then its anniversary

Maybe a nightmare
an impossible situation
totally alone
no bed
no home

Cheer up, it may never happen
is what they say
never to them
give a smile
don't say
just walk away

~ Jane Shann (Nov 2009)

Been thinking today..................

......'Oh fuck I've got a brain tumour!!' It sounds serious when you say it out loud.
Its probably because I was watching an old inspector morse when I was doing the ironing today and there was a guy on there that had a brain tumour and only had a year to live. They were all like dum dum duuuuuum 'a brain tumour how awful....' what what!! (coz thats how they talk in Oxford don't you know)

Anyway I was also thinking that If someone told me they had a brain tumour and I didn't have one, I'd be like 'oh fuck, how long have you got?' I don't think I'd actually say that, but thats what i'd be thinking. If you don't know anything about brain tumours, then you'd probably just think that person must have weeks or months to live.
When they told me and Lee, I remember my first question was 'am I gonna die?' and I can't actually remember what their answer was!!

I think all these thoughts come up again around hospital appointments etc. But some days everything I think about, even random unrelated stuff seems to lead onto brain tumour related stuff!! just the way it is sometimes I guess........Or maybe I just think too much and should go back to drinking wine :-)

Where would I be......

.......without my sister as my friend?
Louise is a star and always helps me out whenever I need help or support. She is one of a few people that I would leave Jamie with and am at ease when I do. Thanks for being super sister today.

.......without my Lee?
I couldn't go through and survive half the things I do without Lee. I couldn't be without him, its all about me and Lee and it always will be. We are brave and scared together. As gay as it sounds we are 'team shann' :-)

........without Jamie?
He is my little ray of sunshine in the morning. He makes me smile and laugh in so many ways. He makes me proud of him and proud to be myself. He makes me love being a mum.

The Hare With Many Friends

A Hare was very popular with the other beasts who all claimed to be her friends. But one day she heard the hounds approaching and hoped to escape them by the aid of her many Friends. So, she went to the horse, and asked him to carry her away from the hounds on his back. But he declined, stating that he had important work to do for his master.

"He felt sure," he said, "that all her other friends would come to her assistance."

She then applied to the bull, and hoped that he would repel the hounds with his horns.

The bull replied: "I am very sorry, but I have an appointment with a lady; but I feel sure that our friend the goat will do what you want."

The goat, however, feared that his back might do her some harm if he took her upon it. The ram, he felt sure, was the proper friend to apply to. So she went to the ram and told him the case.

The ram replied: "Another time, my dear friend. I do not like to interfere on the present occasion, as hounds have been known to eat sheep as well as hares."

The Hare then applied, as a last hope, to the calf, who regretted that he was unable to help her, as he did not like to take the responsibility upon himself, as so many older persons than himself had declined the task. By this time the hounds were quite near, and the Hare took to her heels and luckily escaped.

He that has many friends, has no friends

Scan day

Had my scan at 8.30am this morning. Its just become one of those routine things, like going to the dentists every 6 months. Its just a pain in the arse more than anything. Having to go up to the JR through mental traffic, to organise childcare and lee to get time off. It would be good if my GP had his own machine and I just popped into that one :-) but apparently they are mega expensive and I don't even think my doc has enough of a budget even for an extra pen!!!

Feeling groggy as shit today, don't know why?? just wanna sleep. It does fuck me off, as I seem to get everything going. Its always been that way with me tho. Sometimes I think I will get some random old disease like the plague or small pox!!!

Jamie has started saying little things that I say, coz he spends so much of his time with me. Things like......'that's so random' and he's started to pronounce certain words like I do. Like butter & water with no 't's. I think it's really sweet, but it winds Lee up a little bit as he likes to pronounce his words proper :-) I come from Hemel but I say 'emal' (not pronouncing the 'h') Lee was trying to do an impression of me and take the piss yesterday. He pronounced Hemel 'air mal' it made me piss myself laughing. It sounded a bit like an American trying to do an English accent!!! Some of you will be thinking 'what is she chatting about?' but Lena will hopefully know what I'm chatting about (my cousin in emal!!)

Anywho....Lee is busy knocking walls down in the kitchen, whilst me and Jamie are busy watching Cbeebies. There is a lot of noise coming from the kitchen, maybe we should go check he hasn't squished himself!! but then I spose the noise would stop if he had. Boys love bashing shit down, don't they?

Got a massive pile of ironing to do, which I could really do without but Jamie has no trousers left in his wardrobe. Can't have my little lad going out all creased!!

My eyeballs hurt!! (probably some 'random' old eye disease setting in) so gonna stop typing now. Kiss kiss

Don't really know how I feel today

......Bit up, bit down.
Feeling a bit pissed off I have a tumour, when normally I don't give it a second thought or at least I don't think about it very often.
I think it maybe because I have my scan on Monday!! I don't get worried, scared or upset when I have a scan it just makes me think about my tumour a bit more. The crappy thing is I won't get my results until the 9th December (3 weeks after my scan). That's the bit I do worry about, not in a major way, I just get a bit nervous.
Also I'm having some major tooth stuff done at the dentists on Thursday, which I am shit scared about. I will have to have my mouth open for a whole hour, can you imagine that 'a whole hour'???. I think once that is over with I will feel much better.
The good stuff is I am enjoying being Jamie's mum :-) we are getting more stuff done in the house and Lee is being extra lovely.
Toodle do x x