......Bit up, bit down.
Feeling a bit pissed off I have a tumour, when normally I don't give it a second thought or at least I don't think about it very often.
I think it maybe because I have my scan on Monday!! I don't get worried, scared or upset when I have a scan it just makes me think about my tumour a bit more. The crappy thing is I won't get my results until the 9th December (3 weeks after my scan). That's the bit I do worry about, not in a major way, I just get a bit nervous.
Also I'm having some major tooth stuff done at the dentists on Thursday, which I am shit scared about. I will have to have my mouth open for a whole hour, can you imagine that 'a whole hour'???. I think once that is over with I will feel much better.
The good stuff is I am enjoying being Jamie's mum :-) we are getting more stuff done in the house and Lee is being extra lovely.
Toodle do x x
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
Sunday, 8 November 2009
Quotes of the day
Always kiss your children goodnight - even if they're already asleep.
-- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
-- Elizabeth Stone
One who walks the road with love will never walk the road alone.
-- C. T. Davis
-- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
-- Elizabeth Stone
One who walks the road with love will never walk the road alone.
-- C. T. Davis
Saturday, 7 November 2009
A Box of Kisses
The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.
He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside it?"
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said,"Oh, Daddy, it is not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy."
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.
It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends and family. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.Author ~ Unknown
I'm so glad its not you
Been thinking about me and my tumour and how people have reacted and how they must be feeling or dealing with it all.
Thinking about how they must be feeling about me, about losing me, about maybe having to watch me get really poorly, get cancer, having operations and treatment, seeing me suffer mental disability and not really being me, suffering minor or major physical disability, seeing me have seizures etc etc
I would absolutely be devastated if i had to watch all that happening to someone I loved, thinking about all those things and having to find a way of dealing with it. I think I would cry a LOT and all I can say is I would just be totally devastated. Also I don't think I could be with that person without thinking about whats in their head and what its doing in there! I would probably get really fucking angry and think why them?
I really don't know how I would react, but like to think it would be in a loving, supportive and strong way for that person. I think it would all depend on how that person was dealing with it themselves and how they were feeling.
Some people have said to me 'your so strong, I can't believe how well your dealing with it all, I would be a total wreck if it was me, I would be devastated'. But I am not really worried about me or even dying, its just so fucking awful to think how it will affect my boys and how it will make them suffer the deepest sadness. How it will make everyone else feel and what feelings, emotions and sadness they will have to go through now and in the future and to think its all because of me and this crappy thing in my head.
Don't get me wrong I've had to deal with a lot of stuff, emotions and feelings etc but I don't think I'm strong I'm just dealing with it 'the Jane way'
When they told me I had a brain tumour, my first reaction was 'what about my boys' 'what about Jamie' and that's what made me cry and even saying or thinking that now still makes me cry. A lot of the shit I've had to face is knowing that i am not always gonna be there for the people I love. Leaving Jamie without his mum, Lee without his wife, Louise without her sister, my mum without her daughter, my niece and nephew without their aunty, my friends, my cousin (the one and only :-) etc etc and how they will feel when I'm not here and then how they will be forced to deal with it all. I know too well how it can devastate people and their lives when my dad died and how it continues to do so.
I also think who will be there for them all??? That for me is the saddest bit of all. I wouldn't wish for them to see me get poorly in anyway that causes them sadness or pain in their hearts.
Having said all that I am happy that I'm finally in a place to get on with my life and be happy and at peace with it all (I know the peace bit sounds a bit lame, but its true) I also know that the people i hold dear to my heart are a long way behind me and frankly I don't blame them and completely understand as I would be exactly the same.
I was also thinking the other day that people tell me they love me a lot more since my diagnosis. I suppose its like when someone dies you think 'I wish I had said I love you and spent more time with them' where as with me they get the chance to do that.
I was thinking about how it will be when Jamie is at the age that I will have to explain about my illness and how do you tell your son? I think it's all a bit 'tight' but unavoidable. Knowing Jamie and how he is aware of so much, understands so much and asks so many questions it won't be long!!! All he knows at the moment is that I have 'dizzy headaches' and that I have to take tablets for them. Its so nice to think he doesn't know and at the moment its not making him sad.
Even though I've said why its horrible for me. I have often said to people 'It's easier to be the patient and the one that has it' and people look at me as if to say 'what the fuck are you chatting about?' I can deal with what happens to me. But it would be heart wrenching to see it all happen to someone I love and for them to go through it all. So that's why its easier to be the patient and that's why ..........
I'm so glad it's not you.
Thinking about how they must be feeling about me, about losing me, about maybe having to watch me get really poorly, get cancer, having operations and treatment, seeing me suffer mental disability and not really being me, suffering minor or major physical disability, seeing me have seizures etc etc
I would absolutely be devastated if i had to watch all that happening to someone I loved, thinking about all those things and having to find a way of dealing with it. I think I would cry a LOT and all I can say is I would just be totally devastated. Also I don't think I could be with that person without thinking about whats in their head and what its doing in there! I would probably get really fucking angry and think why them?
I really don't know how I would react, but like to think it would be in a loving, supportive and strong way for that person. I think it would all depend on how that person was dealing with it themselves and how they were feeling.
Some people have said to me 'your so strong, I can't believe how well your dealing with it all, I would be a total wreck if it was me, I would be devastated'. But I am not really worried about me or even dying, its just so fucking awful to think how it will affect my boys and how it will make them suffer the deepest sadness. How it will make everyone else feel and what feelings, emotions and sadness they will have to go through now and in the future and to think its all because of me and this crappy thing in my head.
Don't get me wrong I've had to deal with a lot of stuff, emotions and feelings etc but I don't think I'm strong I'm just dealing with it 'the Jane way'
When they told me I had a brain tumour, my first reaction was 'what about my boys' 'what about Jamie' and that's what made me cry and even saying or thinking that now still makes me cry. A lot of the shit I've had to face is knowing that i am not always gonna be there for the people I love. Leaving Jamie without his mum, Lee without his wife, Louise without her sister, my mum without her daughter, my niece and nephew without their aunty, my friends, my cousin (the one and only :-) etc etc and how they will feel when I'm not here and then how they will be forced to deal with it all. I know too well how it can devastate people and their lives when my dad died and how it continues to do so.
I also think who will be there for them all??? That for me is the saddest bit of all. I wouldn't wish for them to see me get poorly in anyway that causes them sadness or pain in their hearts.
Having said all that I am happy that I'm finally in a place to get on with my life and be happy and at peace with it all (I know the peace bit sounds a bit lame, but its true) I also know that the people i hold dear to my heart are a long way behind me and frankly I don't blame them and completely understand as I would be exactly the same.
I was also thinking the other day that people tell me they love me a lot more since my diagnosis. I suppose its like when someone dies you think 'I wish I had said I love you and spent more time with them' where as with me they get the chance to do that.
I was thinking about how it will be when Jamie is at the age that I will have to explain about my illness and how do you tell your son? I think it's all a bit 'tight' but unavoidable. Knowing Jamie and how he is aware of so much, understands so much and asks so many questions it won't be long!!! All he knows at the moment is that I have 'dizzy headaches' and that I have to take tablets for them. Its so nice to think he doesn't know and at the moment its not making him sad.
Even though I've said why its horrible for me. I have often said to people 'It's easier to be the patient and the one that has it' and people look at me as if to say 'what the fuck are you chatting about?' I can deal with what happens to me. But it would be heart wrenching to see it all happen to someone I love and for them to go through it all. So that's why its easier to be the patient and that's why ..........
I'm so glad it's not you.
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
Quotes of the day
There are no hopeless situations; there are only people who have grown hopeless about them.
-- Clare Boothe
Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who decided to stand their ground.
-- Anonymous
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
-- Ann Landers
-- Clare Boothe
Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who decided to stand their ground.
-- Anonymous
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
-- Ann Landers
Quick update
When ever I say I haven't had a seizure I have one!!!
I had been 10 days seizure free, which I thought was weird as I have been really ill. I'm still poorly, but now its a sore throat and a bit of snot. I'm still sleeping badly, so I feel I'm constantly tired! Maybe tiredness is the reason I had a seizure this morning!
God I sound like an old git moaning on about all my aliments and health problems.....boring.
I haven't had much else going on apart from being ill, so that's what I've talked about.
Anyway, my lovely cousin came to visit at the weekend. She has two children and luckily they all play really nicely together, which doesn't really make sense to our mummy brains!! as they are 2yrs, 3yrs and 5yrs. It could of been so different tho, there could quite easily of been lots of fighting, wars, blood and tears. But we were grateful it was good and they seemed really happy to play together, even if it was very NOISY.
I had been 10 days seizure free, which I thought was weird as I have been really ill. I'm still poorly, but now its a sore throat and a bit of snot. I'm still sleeping badly, so I feel I'm constantly tired! Maybe tiredness is the reason I had a seizure this morning!
God I sound like an old git moaning on about all my aliments and health problems.....boring.
I haven't had much else going on apart from being ill, so that's what I've talked about.
Anyway, my lovely cousin came to visit at the weekend. She has two children and luckily they all play really nicely together, which doesn't really make sense to our mummy brains!! as they are 2yrs, 3yrs and 5yrs. It could of been so different tho, there could quite easily of been lots of fighting, wars, blood and tears. But we were grateful it was good and they seemed really happy to play together, even if it was very NOISY.
Sunday, 1 November 2009
Weird
The funny thing is, that I haven't had any seizures all week and they are expected to increase in frequency and/or intensity when your ill!! Maybe it's due to my drug increase the week before.
Shitty week
Talk about shit week or what.......Expected it to be a good one, as it was Lee's week off.
But passed out in the bathroom Monday morning, slept all of Monday and Tuesday. Got out of bed Wednesday at midday. Thursday struggled through the day (as Lee was out for the day). Friday slept till midday, felt low on energy and struggled through the rest of the day.
Have just been feeling REALLY tired. Monday I felt sick and really dizzy everytime I tried to get out of bed and the same on tuesday. Just generally feeling shitty, achy and tired all week.
Feels like I got hit by some kind of super virus on monday and it's just been beating me up all week!!
Weekend I felt much better, bit of a sore throat, a mild headache and only feeling slightly tired. But saturday evening my eyeballs were hurting!! (like someone has trying to push them out from inside my head) sore throat and the tiredness really hit me.
Today my eyes still hurt, still have a sore throat but now I have constant ear ache and every know and again I will get a sharp stabbing pain in that ear and feeling really tired again. What the fuck is all that about???
Anyway..... when I used to get ill pre tumour, my family and friends would say "oh Janes ill AGAIN" as I seemed to be the one that always got ill and would get everything going. Now they all say "go to the doctor" "its not right" "it could be telling you something" "your brain, your brain" but seriously they do go on at me a lot more now, where as before I felt like I was just left to get on with it, as I was ill so often.
Still feeling really crappy and its horrible to think I've ruined and wasted this week for us all. We normally make the most out of lee's week off as he doesn't get weekends off like everyone else and his week off seems to make up for that a bit.
Back to normal routine this week. So I will just have to get on with it.
Lee said it was lap top withdrawal symptoms as I hadn't been on mine all week :-) Ha ha.
Lets hope I wake up tommorow a new women!! (with fantastic perky breasts and a bum to match) :-)
But passed out in the bathroom Monday morning, slept all of Monday and Tuesday. Got out of bed Wednesday at midday. Thursday struggled through the day (as Lee was out for the day). Friday slept till midday, felt low on energy and struggled through the rest of the day.
Have just been feeling REALLY tired. Monday I felt sick and really dizzy everytime I tried to get out of bed and the same on tuesday. Just generally feeling shitty, achy and tired all week.
Feels like I got hit by some kind of super virus on monday and it's just been beating me up all week!!
Weekend I felt much better, bit of a sore throat, a mild headache and only feeling slightly tired. But saturday evening my eyeballs were hurting!! (like someone has trying to push them out from inside my head) sore throat and the tiredness really hit me.
Today my eyes still hurt, still have a sore throat but now I have constant ear ache and every know and again I will get a sharp stabbing pain in that ear and feeling really tired again. What the fuck is all that about???
Anyway..... when I used to get ill pre tumour, my family and friends would say "oh Janes ill AGAIN" as I seemed to be the one that always got ill and would get everything going. Now they all say "go to the doctor" "its not right" "it could be telling you something" "your brain, your brain" but seriously they do go on at me a lot more now, where as before I felt like I was just left to get on with it, as I was ill so often.
Still feeling really crappy and its horrible to think I've ruined and wasted this week for us all. We normally make the most out of lee's week off as he doesn't get weekends off like everyone else and his week off seems to make up for that a bit.
Back to normal routine this week. So I will just have to get on with it.
Lee said it was lap top withdrawal symptoms as I hadn't been on mine all week :-) Ha ha.
Lets hope I wake up tommorow a new women!! (with fantastic perky breasts and a bum to match) :-)
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