The things I dread.
Its not the thought of being dead
or the thought of being such a different person
It's not even the thoughts in anothers head.
Its being alone without a spoken word.
Its being alone without love
Its being alone without a caring word, a touch
or a loving kiss
Its being alone with thoughts I can't share
Its being alone to face the world
Its being alone without a laugh for another to hear
Its being alone in bed at night
and then realising you are still alone when you wake in the morning
Its being lost and having no one to find you.
The things I dread
Is missing seeing the little people in my life grow
to share with them what I know
Is to not get around to seeing all the natural beauty
having looked with closed eyes for so long
Is to have the chance to make new memory's taken away
and forgetting the ones that already exsist
The thing I dread the most is
losing people I love with all my heart.
forgetting the way they look, smell and sound
fading memories of their faces and the things they say
never being able to remind them just how much love I hold for them in my heart.
Its all these things and many more
Its all these things that remind me to live not to dread
to enjoy the moment, fill my heart with love and
most importantly be happy.
~ Jane Shann oct 2009
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Just wanted to let you know that a conversation you made at the weekend mean't so much to me without you even knowing. We were talking about the children and you said "it doesn't matter what they are like as long as they are happy"... I've been beating myself up about my weight (i.e good fairy on one shoulder, devil on the other). I want to do it but can't get in the 'zone'.
ReplyDeleteI felt loved without any worries at that point and truely relaxed in your home without being judged (not saying everyone does... just the way I feel, as if I have to constantly defend myself)
I am half way stuck between
1) Do I stay as I am... wanting to loose weight desperately, half pushing myself, feeling that my children are the most important thing's in my life and I should easily think of them and loose weight so I can 'be around them to see them grow up' but be miserable as I can't eat and drink what I like to have thing's too look forward to (that sound's selfish... my children should be ENOUGH to look forward to, true, but I NEED to look forward to ther stuff too)
or
2) Be happy and do what I want even though I could kill myself (when there are people dying of thing's they can't control and make the situation better)
There is so many more point's I could make bottom line is .... am I selfish putting my life in danger being overweight and unhealthy when there are people in the world with fatal diseases who cannot do anything to help themselves ?
I love you just the way you are and I think you should live the way that makes you happy. If your happy then I'm sure your children will be too
ReplyDeleteYou talked about dying before your time and potentaily killing yourself. But you could be run over by a truck, fall down the stairs and break your neck etc etc tommorrow and nobody knows there time or how it will happen. Yeah the risks are higher because of your weight and could cause you to die prematurely. But think of it this way....Would your children love you anymore if you were thiner? (of course they wouldn't)
would your children prefere to spend whatever time they have with you (as none of us now how long that time maybe) being a happy and enjoying life mummy or a sad, down and unhappy mummy?
I don't think for one minute that you will wake up one morning and be totally comfortable and happy with yourself (not many of us do) and I won't even pretend to understand what it is to be in your shoes.
And I know you have been through some shit over the years because of your weight.
But whats it all about if you can't be happy?
All of the people that are important in your life and who love you, love you unconditionally and all the people that love you want you to be happy.
I hope this explains how I feel, without sounding preachy!!
Funny you should say that tho, coz I was thinking the same thing after you left. I felt like you didn't treat me like 'tumour girl' (I think alot of people do it without realising) and I didn't feel I had to explain myself or that you were judging me. for example....I feel that some people would be thinking 'oh Janes put on weight since she stopped exercising' I know I have, but does it really matter? no it doesn't 'jane doesn't wear makeup or do her hair anymore' I know I don't, but does it really matter? no it doesn't 'jane's not as confident with things now' I know I'm not, but does it really matter? no it doesn't. I'm happy and getting on with life, so who gives a shit about all that. I feel that none of that matters with you because you just seem happy to see me and to spend time with me. I only really feel that way with my family not so much with my friends. So I'm chuffed I made you feel the same way.
Love you lots cous and hope we can start to see a bit more of each other.......before we both die prematurely :-)
That is all true what you say... anyone could die at any time, I believe that too but I have the personality where I constantly beat myself up all the time worrying about thing's that I am aware of or I just block it out and pretend it's not happening.
ReplyDeleteYou are right I wouldn't wake up one morning and be totally happy with myself I wasn't when I lost all the weight before !!
Glad we helped each other... You are right I don't worry about all that when I see you because the same as you do I'm more pleased to spend time with you rather than worrying if you've put on weight (which I didn't actually realise anyway) and the state of your hair (I can't even criticise on that topic !!)
I haven't noticed that you are not confident with thing's anymore... I think you are but in different way's. i.e I remember when Jamie was younger everything had to be done 'how the manual said', which is fair enough as you didn't know anything about children but now you will listen to advice and try thing's a different way which I think has made you a much better and relaxed mum :) Same as I like to take idea's from you.... I have been stricter at meal times making them eat nicely staying at the table after seeing how nicely they ate at your house !!
I must admit I did give 30 second's thought to 'the tumour' at the weekend... I was looking at your head where the tumour is and couldn't help sending thought's to 'it' as to how much I hated it but also pleading with it not to grow or just 'bugger off' !!
I had to stop once or twicw while reading your relpy as I had some tears but then had a giggle at the last bit... that's why I love you (sorry !!) so much because of your sharp witty comments x x x x