Ups and downs and all the bits in between

Its been a day of ups and downs!!
I just get really pissed off that everyone can live there lives and go forward and I'm 'stuck'
It feels like I've been stuck for ages!!! I want to get on with stuff, move on, meet new people, do new things but it feels like it takes soooooo long. I've organised to do some new stuff but that doesn't start for another couple of months yet and some of it not until after Xmas.
It sounds like I'm bitching about nothing much really. But I've just had enough of being on hold because of this fucking thing getting in the way of everything.

On the up side, saw some lovely peeps today and had lots of tea and cake. Ate far too much cake, biscuits and sweet stuff today. Feel a bit sicky now. Troff troff troff.
Jamie is being a lot better, less testy and a bit more listeney.

Anyway I feel that my emotions and feelings are very raw at the moment. Like someones opened me up and exposed them all, I'm emotionally naked!
I wanna shout, scream, cry, laugh, cry some more, eat more cake (shouldn't eat my emotions), I wanna go into a big field and shout a bit fat 'fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!' I feel like I wanna poke peoples eyes out, jump up & down on a big pile of horse crap bla bla bla....... you get the picture!! Don't worry I'm not gonna actually poke someones eyes out. Well not today anyway :-)
It feels like its all out there at the moment, all my stuff! Feelings of happiness, sadness, and everything in between. I'm not used to having feelings I can't explain or deal with, having emotions I'm not used to. I'm having a feeling muddled time at the moment.
I wanna scream 'just fuck off'.

Mean while back at the bat cave...................
Someone once asked me (can't remember who!) if I had given my tumour a name. Apparently some people do!!!!! (I just randomly remembered that) Anyway, I've never even thought about it and think why would anyone do that? its not your friend, your pet, your baby so why give it a name? I still think that I will wake up one day and the fucker would have fell out of my ear onto the pillow. So why give it a name? will I then have to give it a funeral? I find that all a bit weird!!

Its my birthday next week and I've been thinking......This time last year I was blissfully unaware of what was going on in my brain and looking forward to going to New York. I was 30 and excited about going to America. I didn't even know. I thought 'yeah this is where my life begins, my thirties will be my finest hour'.....get in.

It seems like my birthday last year was about 3 yrs ago. So much has happened, we've been through so much, I've changed so much since last year and my future and life has been shoved down a different path now. I should be happy about surviving to see another birthday and therefore should be happier at each future birthday. But I'm not happy about this birthday. It just makes me think that things could of been so different, had i not been diagnosed last December and I think this Xmas I will feel the same. It's sort of like when somebody close to you dies and everyone tells you 'its the firsts that are the worst' and I think that's what it is!
Don't wanna celebrate my birthday this year! feel like I should be in mourning or something, what random crap that is!!! Also got my next scan in between birthday and Xmas, so that will put a rose coloured tint on everything....never mind.