Don't feel sorry for me
Don't feel responsible
Don't feel guilty
Don't speak to me
JUST DON'T
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Friday, 29 January 2010
Its one of those big bastard weeks
I don't feel like anything good can come of this week!
I haven't weighed myself for 5 months. Reason being that since time began, I have had body image and weight issue's. After my diagnosis I was sooooooo worried about putting on loads of weight and losing my shape (mainly due to inactivity). But after about 6 months I thought 'life is too short to keep beating yourself up about your weight and how you look' so I decided to stop weighing myself and tried to be more comfortable in my own skin for once.
A fat lot of good that did me!!! I've put on over a stone, feel really rubbish and depressed about myself.
Thinking about the amount I've been through in the last year, people may think 'So you've put on a bit of weight, whats the big deal? things could be a lot worse for you' but my weight has always been a big deal to me (ALWAYS) and has influenced a lot of stuff in my life.
I don't wanna be this way. I wish I could be a person that was comfortable with their self and didn't worry about the whole weight thing. Its sad, I'm a sado!! But at the same time its been a struggle for all of my adult life to keep my weight under control. I really struggled with the whole body image thing when I was a teenager and that has never left me. I wish that someone could re-programme that part of my brain!!!!
I never really talk to anyone about it, coz I know its boring, no one is interested and everyone has their own issues to deal with anyway! But I do talk to Lee and Louise about weight stuff and how I feel. They probably get a bit pissed at me!! But I wouldn't want to and don't talk about it to anyone else.
Moan over. Bottom line is that I realised this week how fat I had gotten :-(
I haven't weighed myself for 5 months. Reason being that since time began, I have had body image and weight issue's. After my diagnosis I was sooooooo worried about putting on loads of weight and losing my shape (mainly due to inactivity). But after about 6 months I thought 'life is too short to keep beating yourself up about your weight and how you look' so I decided to stop weighing myself and tried to be more comfortable in my own skin for once.
A fat lot of good that did me!!! I've put on over a stone, feel really rubbish and depressed about myself.
Thinking about the amount I've been through in the last year, people may think 'So you've put on a bit of weight, whats the big deal? things could be a lot worse for you' but my weight has always been a big deal to me (ALWAYS) and has influenced a lot of stuff in my life.
I don't wanna be this way. I wish I could be a person that was comfortable with their self and didn't worry about the whole weight thing. Its sad, I'm a sado!! But at the same time its been a struggle for all of my adult life to keep my weight under control. I really struggled with the whole body image thing when I was a teenager and that has never left me. I wish that someone could re-programme that part of my brain!!!!
I never really talk to anyone about it, coz I know its boring, no one is interested and everyone has their own issues to deal with anyway! But I do talk to Lee and Louise about weight stuff and how I feel. They probably get a bit pissed at me!! But I wouldn't want to and don't talk about it to anyone else.
Moan over. Bottom line is that I realised this week how fat I had gotten :-(
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Read this Today
As yet, there is no cure for brain tumours. But, say campaigners, greater awareness of the illness will lead to more support, increased funding for research and better outcomes for all whose lives are touched by this devastating disease.
Depressed that I am living with a devastating disease that can not be cured......la la
Depressed that I am living with a devastating disease that can not be cured......la la
Mega Down Day
On a bit of a downer today because........
Thinking about my scan
Filling out an application form for a will, thinking about dying & what I would leave people
Thinking about what it would/could be like for my boys after I've gone!
Thinking about results of my scan & having dreams about them not being good
Feeling like the scabbiest arse hole in the world
Thinking & feeling crap hair, minging clothes and hairy bits!
Thinking about having a brain tumour and what that means to my life and my future.
Thinking how people might see me now!
Feeling like a tumour twat (again)
Feeling fat & flabby
Not having good sleep
Still having bad seizures
...... You know, all the normal crap.
Haven't thought about the whole 'tumour thing' for a while! coz you just sort of get on with life, what else can you do? But every now & then it really hits home again.
Thinking about my scan
Filling out an application form for a will, thinking about dying & what I would leave people
Thinking about what it would/could be like for my boys after I've gone!
Thinking about results of my scan & having dreams about them not being good
Feeling like the scabbiest arse hole in the world
Thinking & feeling crap hair, minging clothes and hairy bits!
Thinking about having a brain tumour and what that means to my life and my future.
Thinking how people might see me now!
Feeling like a tumour twat (again)
Feeling fat & flabby
Not having good sleep
Still having bad seizures
...... You know, all the normal crap.
Haven't thought about the whole 'tumour thing' for a while! coz you just sort of get on with life, what else can you do? But every now & then it really hits home again.
My Hair Styles
I have had MANY different hairstyles over the years (all through choice).
I haven't got photo's of all of them but here are a few :-)
Sunday, 24 January 2010
Some Good Bits
Feeling very happy & lucky to be me.
My boys are gorgeous and I am lucky to have them. All my family have learnt to be in dependant, brave and happy. Because for a while now I haven't been doing it all for them and trying to fix everything, which for years I did. Am happy they managed to swim and didn't sink when I did this.
Also I have recently come to realise that I'm not as gross as I've always thought i was! I don't love myself now, but am getting comfortable in my own skin. Which is weird but good :-) (but this issue is a whole other post)
I suppose everything is coming together like I hoped it would in my 30's. Just not as I expected it to.
My boys are gorgeous and I am lucky to have them. All my family have learnt to be in dependant, brave and happy. Because for a while now I haven't been doing it all for them and trying to fix everything, which for years I did. Am happy they managed to swim and didn't sink when I did this.
Also I have recently come to realise that I'm not as gross as I've always thought i was! I don't love myself now, but am getting comfortable in my own skin. Which is weird but good :-) (but this issue is a whole other post)
I suppose everything is coming together like I hoped it would in my 30's. Just not as I expected it to.
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