I bet you don't even realise

People always say the phrase 'You don't know what goes on behind closed doors'
Well I bet you don't even realise........................

That I want to have another child.
That I can't go out the house without an adult to supervise me & Jamie.
Can't take Jamie to school, the park, swimming, even somewhere simple like shopping at Sainsbury's or take him out on his bike on my own.
I'm never going to be able to drive again.
I can't or will never be able to ride a bike again (you'll never forget how to ride a bike!) does it fucking matter now!?
I will only on average live for about 6yrs (if lucky) So 2.5 down, 3.5 to go!
I have to rely on my 4yr old son to use a speed dial phone when we are in the house on our own.
I have to employ someone to babysit me, so I can go out.
I have to have this person in my life, which is not by choice but necessity.
Can't use my trike any more.
I have to wear a walky talky alarm watch on my wrist just so I can go to the toilet on my own
Can't have a shower on my own (until the shower is changed)
Can't lock the bathroom door in other people's house's, unless Jamie comes to the toilet with me.
Can't do baking with my Jamie unless someone else is in the house.
Can't just pop out for chocolate.
Can't go on the bus.
Can't drink, unless I want to pass out and have more seizures.
Can't take the bins out, do gardening or any outdoor related stuff etc.
I don't have the chance to increase my son's interaction with other children and to help him make new friends.
I want to make new friends & socailise with my people of 'Choice'.
I can't do things on my own, have me time, go were I choose when I choose to do it.
Lee does all the cooking, ironing and most of the housework.
I have a volunteer to help me do my food shopping.
Can't exercise.
Can't do my job.
Spend a LOT of time in my house.
No one visits us, or if they do its very far and few between.

These things are all as a result of my seizures. If I was to attempt a lot of these things, it would put me and Jamie at serious risk. I can't just 'get on with it'.
I was thinking the other day 'what do other people that have uncontrolled epilepsy do!? do they have carer's? do they just risk it and go out? I was thinking I'd never just 'risk it' with Jamie, but what if I just went out on my own!? it would be really fucking scary (to start with) and I thought what could be the worst that could happen? but then I realised I could fall into the road.

If I was reading this I would think........Sounds like her arms and legs have been cut off!! Or how fucking depressing is all of that!!
The upside is:
I don't have to have someone wipe my arse or wash my fanny for me (just yet) well depends how lazy i'm feeling :-)
I can still feed myself the chocolate that someone else has gone out and got me. (well not at the moment as i'm getter LARGER)