What a week......again!

Monday-Wednesday
Stayed at my sisters house, whilst heating was being done. Luckily we had Louise to look after us. Bit hectic, with 3 little ones under 4yrs. Not a lot of sleep, as they all had coughs and Jamie loves to start his day early. So we all felt quite tired by thursday.

Thursday
Heating all finished. Quick day and night at home, un-packed and then packed again for the weekend.

Friday-Sunday
Away for early xmas with Lee's dad and other extended family at a rented cottage in Lyne Regis.
Friday was the fuck face from hell for me. Had a massive seizure Friday morning and it wasn't one of the usual either. It had turned into one of my bad ones (as expected) but then I started to moan and do a gurggle/chokey sound in my throat (never happened before) it was fucking horrible and scary!! I wasn't 'with it' for a good 10mins afterwards, which has never happened before either. I normally have my seizure and when its over carry on as usual. My left hand went all weak and shaky afterwards and I dropped my tea all over the sofa! (my seizures only affect my right side with no after effects) I cried, as I was really upset, scared and fucked off.
I just wanted to crawl in a dark hole and dissappear. But I had to go away for this family doo and put a 'brave face' on it all.
Lee was fantastic though. He gave me extra love, reassurance and attention, just incase it happened again. It did, a couple of hours after we arrived at the cottage. I managed to dive into another room before I had my seizure, where there wasn't anyone. It was the same as the morning one, but not as bad. I cried and Lee loved me better. I felt like such a dick! everyone always say 'no your not, it's not your fault' but they would only understand what I ment, if it happened to them.
I felt a bit sad and upset all weekend, but I think I managed to hide it okay. Had another bad one on sunday (but that was back to the usual bad one) and had managed to dive in the toilet for that one. I don't normally dive into different rooms to have seizures! but I don't really want a group of people I don't know that well, to be staring at me and freakin out. I also don't want them to avoid me, just incase it happens again or because they don't know what to say. I find that if I have a seizure in front of people that I don't see very often or people that have never seen me have a seizure before, they feel the need to discuss it with me and ask questions. After it has finished, it's the last thing I want to do.

So I have started my week with a massive knock to my confidence. I don't wanna go out, just incase the mega bad one happens again. If I could stay in the house for the rest of the week then I would. My main worry is, having one at Jamie's school infront of all the other mums. None of them know about the alien in my head and I don't want them too. I don't want them to treat me any differently (to be nicer or to avoid me!) so I don't tell them anything.
Also people tend to look at you differently when they know. If you had/have a tumour you will know what I'm chatting about.
It does worry me that Jamie is safe, but I can tell him when one is coming and he knows what he needs to do till it passes.

Anyway thats how my week has started. I just wanna hide under the duvet, eat chocolate and hope that the alien falls out of my ear whilst I'm there. But as the saying goes 'life goes on' and I can't do what I want to do, so I just have to get on with it.
I've had a few minor little ones since my biggies, but I'm hopeful it was nothing serious.
Get the results from my scan next week... oh joy!!