December

Me & Jamie December 2008 (last year, couple of days after my biopsy)

December has been a bit weird really! Shit in some ways and fantastic in others.
The Shit bit....
Its all the crap memories from this time last year that makes it all a bit wanky!!! Shit in the fact that it is now a year since my diagnosis, so no more....'this time last year.....' reminisces of pre-tumour. The 22nd was a crap day, as that was the day last year that I was in hospital having my biopsy (had a little cry on the 22nd) Last year I missed Jamie's trip to see Santa coz I was still in hospital and I was only just out of hospital in time for Xmas. I was so poorly and drugged that I didn't know my arse from my elbow and slept right through most of Xmas & new year.
This December my seizures have been bad again! which has knocked my confidence down to an all time low. If I didn't have little Jamie, I wouldn't of gone out of the house!! I've done a lot of crying this December.
If my latest results, being constantly ill, really bad seizures and mega loss of confidence wasn't a big enough kick in the fanny! A stupid woman nearly ran her car into my trike on our way to Jamie's school. She just didn't look and pulled out. She had to do an emergency stop to avoid crashing into us. To set the scene........It was a fucking freezing morning, didn't wanna go on the trike anyway and felt guilty for Jamie having to go out in nightmare weather. We both had about 4 layers on. It was quite a dark morning, so I put on ALL my high vis stuff and switched on my super lights front and back. So I don't think I could of been anymore visible!! and to be fair we are much bigger than your average bike too. After the near miss the women just drove off!!
I had to compose myself and drop Jamie into school, but as soon as I came out I cried and cried. I just thought, if I didn't have this stupid tumour I wouldn't have to take Jamie out in all weathers on the trike. I was just thinking 'you stupid tumour twat, I hate it, I hate it.....' and that thought made me cry even more. I haven't been on my trike since, but then I haven't had to.
I wanted to stay in and not come out even before the near miss! so that just made it all worse.
I was thinking, that women wouldn't of even thought about me. It won't of even crossed her mind how tight it is having to go out on a trike in freezing weather, the reason why I might have to cycle, how things r already hard for me, how I had to get together what little confidence I had left just to leave the house that morning or even the impact of her crap driving has had on me and my little bit of Independence (going out on my trike) but hey! if she'd of stopped I think it would of made the situation a whole lot better.
Lee was away with work in Cornwall that week, but luckily Louise was there to wipe my tears, give me a big hug and love me better.
Lee told a few people what had happened and over Xmas they asked me about it, but in a jokey type way! and I felt like screaming at them 'fuck off, its not something to laugh about! would I be all jokey if the same thing happened to your in a car?'

The good bits......
Spending Xmas with my family. Having Xmas morning with just my boys. Helping Jamie unwrap the presents out of his stocking in our bed Xmas morning. Jamie being at the age he can understand and really enjoy Xmas and his birthday. Lee cooking loads of gorgeous food for us all. Making jewelry for presents and seeing them being loved and appreciated. Having Lee to myself without any distractions. Feeling loved. Seeing everyone unwrap the presents I brought for them. Seeing Jamie singing in his nativity play. Jamie wearing his little Xmas shirt, tie and waistcoat. Being grateful I'm around to see another Xmas and not to be ill or in hospital. Jamie turning 3.
Anyway Its been an emotional roller coaster!! and I suppose with the busy time that is Xmas and being ill with various viruses and colds etc since October. I just haven't been able or have the time to get on and update my blog.

'Happy New Year and lets hope its a good one......'
I'm not sure how I feel about it being 'A Happy New Year!' What pisses me off actually is all the people that sent me a generic text yesterday. Saying happy new year, bla, bla, bla. I'd rather they didn't bother, than send me a text they have sent everyone else in their address book. Its been a fucking crappy year for us and we'll start our new one with hospital appointments and scans. We could have a hard year a head of us and need to be brave, scared, lonely and all the crap in between. But the fact that nobody even acknowledged this or did us the decency of sending an individual text (which would of let us know that they are really thinking of us) is poo in a bucket really.
I know a lot of people find it hard to know what to say! So they just end up doing the generic text. But it doesn't matter what they say, its the fact that they tried that matters!
I know the new year is a focus on the positives, looking forward, new beginnings and all that. But other people can change the crap things in their lives or at least start trying. Give up smoking, lose weight, find a new job, start new relationships or end crap ones, have a baby etc etc But I can't change my situation, I can't go to 'tumour watchers', lose a pound or 2 a week off of my tumour and finally become a gold member and be tumour-less!! So it becomes hard to see all that 'Happy New Year' stuff.
I was thinking yesterday about all the people this time of year that, r in hospital, people that only have a short time to live, people that r on their own with no family or friends, all the old people that die this time of year because they can't afford to put their heating on, the homeless in this freezing weather, people that have to live with constant pain, people that have to watch someone they love die. I hope nobody sent them a generic text!!!! I thought of them with empathy and was thankful I am none of the above.

Anyway that about sums up my Xmas and new year. But when all is said and done I am sooooo glad I have a loving family to spend it all with (ups & downs)