They never tell you anything!

I was thinking today, there may be people who have just been diagnosed with a brain tumour reading my blog! When I was first diagnosed I got on the Internet to find out as much as I could about my type of tumour as I expect most newly diagnosed tumour patients do. I looked everywhere for info on my type of tumour, what would happen to me, how it would affect me, how long I'd live for, types of treatment, surgery etc etc. I would google all sorts of tumour related stuff, just to read something concrete! I didn't want to find out about other peoples tumours and what other people were going through. This was MY nightmare, this was happening to ME, I just wanted to get on with it and do it my way. I have never dealt with things like everyone else, never done things like everyone else, don't see things the same way as everyone else, so how could I relate to anyone else? so NO THANK YOU. I know a lot of people find comfort in chatting to other people going through a similar experience, but not me. I found a lot of 'God' related things and what people believe can 'heal' them! but that's not for me either.
When all is said and done, there are NO ANSWERS not with my kind of tumour anyway. At the hospital all the doc's, consultants and surgeons can say is the possibilities! or they just simply say 'we can't tell you' The trouble with the brain is, there is still a lot they don't know! and I've come to realise that everyone's tumour is individual to that person, no two tumours are the same. So how your tumour grows, develops or kills you isn't something they can predict or even guess at. Reading stats on survival rates makes you realise there are no stats! survival rates being anything from 2yrs-20yrs, it all depends on what your tumour decides to do.
I thought at first that because my tumour was a grade II (benign) or slow growing that I was lucky that I didn't have cancer or wouldn't have any of the treatments for cancer. When they told me later on that it was too risky to operate, I thought well what happens then? does it keep growing till it runs out of room? what will happen to the rest of my brain? Will i end up with an elephant man type head? so in my next appointment with my consultant I asked the questions and she said oh, no none of that will happen. It will develop into a malignant tumour, but we don't know when it will, but it will eventually. That's why we scan you so often, to check its not changing. Well that was a bit of a SHOCKER, because after diagnosis a month earlier NO ONE had even mentioned that!! as if that was obvious or something!!!! and then I had to learn to come to terms with that part as well. So I would have to deal with cancer and all the treatments after all, well at some point anyway!! That's why a lot a medical professionals, researchers etc label all brain tumours except grade I (doesn't grow or change) as 'Brain Cancer' they don't tend to use the term benign or malignant and tend to refer to the grading system instead. So yep I have 'Brain Cancer' just not the immediately life threatening kind.
So if someone else looking for answers comes across my blog, then I hope it helps them in some way or another. Most people will probably think 'what the fuck is this girl on? I just don't get it' but like I said I don't think or do things like 'everybody else' and like my blog says 'I'm just Jane'