I'm so glad its not you

Been thinking about me and my tumour and how people have reacted and how they must be feeling or dealing with it all.

Thinking about how they must be feeling about me, about losing me, about maybe having to watch me get really poorly, get cancer, having operations and treatment, seeing me suffer mental disability and not really being me, suffering minor or major physical disability, seeing me have seizures etc etc

I would absolutely be devastated if i had to watch all that happening to someone I loved, thinking about all those things and having to find a way of dealing with it. I think I would cry a LOT and all I can say is I would just be totally devastated. Also I don't think I could be with that person without thinking about whats in their head and what its doing in there! I would probably get really fucking angry and think why them?
I really don't know how I would react, but like to think it would be in a loving, supportive and strong way for that person. I think it would all depend on how that person was dealing with it themselves and how they were feeling.

Some people have said to me 'your so strong, I can't believe how well your dealing with it all, I would be a total wreck if it was me, I would be devastated'. But I am not really worried about me or even dying, its just so fucking awful to think how it will affect my boys and how it will make them suffer the deepest sadness. How it will make everyone else feel and what feelings, emotions and sadness they will have to go through now and in the future and to think its all because of me and this crappy thing in my head.
Don't get me wrong I've had to deal with a lot of stuff, emotions and feelings etc but I don't think I'm strong I'm just dealing with it 'the Jane way'

When they told me I had a brain tumour, my first reaction was 'what about my boys' 'what about Jamie' and that's what made me cry and even saying or thinking that now still makes me cry. A lot of the shit I've had to face is knowing that i am not always gonna be there for the people I love. Leaving Jamie without his mum, Lee without his wife, Louise without her sister, my mum without her daughter, my niece and nephew without their aunty, my friends, my cousin (the one and only :-) etc etc and how they will feel when I'm not here and then how they will be forced to deal with it all. I know too well how it can devastate people and their lives when my dad died and how it continues to do so.
I also think who will be there for them all??? That for me is the saddest bit of all. I wouldn't wish for them to see me get poorly in anyway that causes them sadness or pain in their hearts.
Having said all that I am happy that I'm finally in a place to get on with my life and be happy and at peace with it all (I know the peace bit sounds a bit lame, but its true) I also know that the people i hold dear to my heart are a long way behind me and frankly I don't blame them and completely understand as I would be exactly the same.

I was also thinking the other day that people tell me they love me a lot more since my diagnosis. I suppose its like when someone dies you think 'I wish I had said I love you and spent more time with them' where as with me they get the chance to do that.

I was thinking about how it will be when Jamie is at the age that I will have to explain about my illness and how do you tell your son? I think it's all a bit 'tight' but unavoidable. Knowing Jamie and how he is aware of so much, understands so much and asks so many questions it won't be long!!! All he knows at the moment is that I have 'dizzy headaches' and that I have to take tablets for them. Its so nice to think he doesn't know and at the moment its not making him sad.

Even though I've said why its horrible for me. I have often said to people 'It's easier to be the patient and the one that has it' and people look at me as if to say 'what the fuck are you chatting about?' I can deal with what happens to me. But it would be heart wrenching to see it all happen to someone I love and for them to go through it all. So that's why its easier to be the patient and that's why ..........
I'm so glad it's not you.