Feeling a bit down today as I re-realised that I won't be around at Jamies wedding or to see him have children and that I would be really lucky to see him reach his teans. Haven't thought about it for ages and have been thinking for a while that......I'm gonna be one of the ones that live's for another 20yrs, maybe that could happen to me, maybe I will be one of the lucky ones, yep that's gonna be me.
It breaks my heart to think I won't be around to see jamie grow, to be happy and to see what kinda person he will be. It is also even more sad to think that my illness/death will have a major impact on his life and influence who he is (no matter what his age). Knowing that it's all gonna be because of me and what will ultimately happen to our family, makes me deeply sad.
Realistically Jamie will be 20yrs old at absolute best case. So to think my little man will be without me so young in his life, really pains me to even think about it.
I can handle the idea of being ill and all the stuff that comes with that.....premature death bla bla. But when it comes to my little man, it cuts like a knife through my heart to think how all this will effect him.
All you mums must understand?
Or maybe not as this is not your reality? and you can take it all for granted?
Anyway need to go and have a bit of a cry now x x
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
Saturday, 5 September 2009
Fantastic Day
Had a fantastic sister day today. A bit of shopping, a leisurely and expensive lunch. Lots of laughing and chatting. It's fab to really have a great day and to totally be comfortable being yourself. I hope I have lots more fantastic days not only with louise but with my boys too. There hasn't been too many of them lately....... so bring it on :-)
Thursday, 3 September 2009
What Are Friends For
We say thank you
love you
cheers
what are friends for
if not to wipe our tears
What are friends for
to fix hair
not pull it
share chocolate
not steel it
to borrow
not lose it
to giggle
not snear it
to smile
not glare it
to care
not dismiss it
What are friends for
not gossip
keep secrets
not to snap
have patience
not to distance
find ways
not to forget
to important
not to judge
be open
We say where would I be without you
a cry
no shoulder
too scared
no hand
an outfit
no honesty
a joke
no laugh
an insult
no backup
lack confidence
no reassurance
be silent
no trust
What are friends for
to be loved
to love
to be true
to be there
just for you
~ Jane Shann 2009
love you
cheers
what are friends for
if not to wipe our tears
What are friends for
to fix hair
not pull it
share chocolate
not steel it
to borrow
not lose it
to giggle
not snear it
to smile
not glare it
to care
not dismiss it
What are friends for
not gossip
keep secrets
not to snap
have patience
not to distance
find ways
not to forget
to important
not to judge
be open
We say where would I be without you
a cry
no shoulder
too scared
no hand
an outfit
no honesty
a joke
no laugh
an insult
no backup
lack confidence
no reassurance
be silent
no trust
What are friends for
to be loved
to love
to be true
to be there
just for you
~ Jane Shann 2009
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Reactions and relationships
I don't really like chatting about my illness/tumour too often as I think that is only a small part of me and who I am. But it seems to be the main thing that most people see now and one of the few thing they ask me about!
When I was diagnosed I thought my friends and family would be upset at first (naturally) but then be strong for me, support me and want to spend precious time with me!
But shock and I think the hardest part of my diagnosis, it wasn't and isn't that way.
The initail reaction was, to visit me, bring me flowers, send me messages, cry etc but I found it was like grief when someone dies. You have the initail reaction from those around you and support for a few months, but then you are pretty much left to get on with it.
Friends: (I always seem to come back to friends, don't I?) Some people expected me to carry on as before and be there for them! Other friends stopped contact with me (not sure if its because they couldn't handle what was happening to me or they found it too awkward to be around me) Some friends kept in touch occassionally, but often cancelled when they had arranged to meet or visit me (this happened quite regularly and I came to expect it) Some didn't get in contact for ages and then half heartedly did.
I really didn't expect it to be like that at all and was so surprised when it was! and frankly pissed off, very hurt and felt unloved. I did lose the plot abit and email what i thought at the time were 'all the non bothered peeps' a harsh email telling them what I thought and thought if they were any kinda friend they would reply!
Since then I have tried putting myself in their shoes and thinking what if it had been one of my friends? I'd like to think i'd be there for them. If I was unsure of how to be there for them or what to say, then I would ask or just let them know regularly I was here and thinking of them. Who knows! who knows how i'd react in that situation. You don't know until your in it I spose.
It was a really hard time, as I was going tho my own shit and It seemed like a lot of people were just thinking of themselves. As i've said in one of my previous posts 'we all have our own little soap oprera's going on' and I did find it hard to see outside of my own. Yeah I might of had a rant and emotional out bursts at my friends, but hey was I not a little bit intitled?? or was it not even little bit expected??
I think a lot of my friends and family see me as a rock, always there, always able to sort out and help with their problems, a positive person, an independant strong person and maybe it scared them to think I wasn't that person anymore. Again who knows? or maybe being that strong and independant person scared people off, as I was always very definate about things. How I wanted and expected everything to go or be.
Its weird when you look back on yourself and reflect! I must of made it really hard for people to be my friend.
Anyway also a shock was people I didn't know that well made the effort to contact me and send me emails and didn't shy away when I had a rant. They also made the effort to vist me and bring me cake, which is always good. A few friends and family emailed me regularly though my tough times, which helped so so much and I felt I wasn't so alone. They spent the time to send me long chatty emails and for that I am so grateful.
So even though I lost friends or the friendships have become distant or non existant. I've also gained some friendships and I'm sure I will continue to do so as my life and future take different directions.
Friendships/relationships are important to me, I guess thats why I go on about it!! Even though I view a lot of things a lot differently now, it is still an important part of my life.
I think that is about it for now, I know I can get a bit heavy sometimes and I do want to say how it is now, 9 months on but that can wait for another day.
I didn't really mention my family either but hey! that can come another day (maybe)
I do get a bit lost with my posts sometimes. I start with a really specific thing I wanna say and then I get a bit lost and end up chatting about something else!!
Till next time, tickle tickle :-)
When I was diagnosed I thought my friends and family would be upset at first (naturally) but then be strong for me, support me and want to spend precious time with me!
But shock and I think the hardest part of my diagnosis, it wasn't and isn't that way.
The initail reaction was, to visit me, bring me flowers, send me messages, cry etc but I found it was like grief when someone dies. You have the initail reaction from those around you and support for a few months, but then you are pretty much left to get on with it.
Friends: (I always seem to come back to friends, don't I?) Some people expected me to carry on as before and be there for them! Other friends stopped contact with me (not sure if its because they couldn't handle what was happening to me or they found it too awkward to be around me) Some friends kept in touch occassionally, but often cancelled when they had arranged to meet or visit me (this happened quite regularly and I came to expect it) Some didn't get in contact for ages and then half heartedly did.
I really didn't expect it to be like that at all and was so surprised when it was! and frankly pissed off, very hurt and felt unloved. I did lose the plot abit and email what i thought at the time were 'all the non bothered peeps' a harsh email telling them what I thought and thought if they were any kinda friend they would reply!
Since then I have tried putting myself in their shoes and thinking what if it had been one of my friends? I'd like to think i'd be there for them. If I was unsure of how to be there for them or what to say, then I would ask or just let them know regularly I was here and thinking of them. Who knows! who knows how i'd react in that situation. You don't know until your in it I spose.
It was a really hard time, as I was going tho my own shit and It seemed like a lot of people were just thinking of themselves. As i've said in one of my previous posts 'we all have our own little soap oprera's going on' and I did find it hard to see outside of my own. Yeah I might of had a rant and emotional out bursts at my friends, but hey was I not a little bit intitled?? or was it not even little bit expected??
I think a lot of my friends and family see me as a rock, always there, always able to sort out and help with their problems, a positive person, an independant strong person and maybe it scared them to think I wasn't that person anymore. Again who knows? or maybe being that strong and independant person scared people off, as I was always very definate about things. How I wanted and expected everything to go or be.
Its weird when you look back on yourself and reflect! I must of made it really hard for people to be my friend.
Anyway also a shock was people I didn't know that well made the effort to contact me and send me emails and didn't shy away when I had a rant. They also made the effort to vist me and bring me cake, which is always good. A few friends and family emailed me regularly though my tough times, which helped so so much and I felt I wasn't so alone. They spent the time to send me long chatty emails and for that I am so grateful.
So even though I lost friends or the friendships have become distant or non existant. I've also gained some friendships and I'm sure I will continue to do so as my life and future take different directions.
Friendships/relationships are important to me, I guess thats why I go on about it!! Even though I view a lot of things a lot differently now, it is still an important part of my life.
I think that is about it for now, I know I can get a bit heavy sometimes and I do want to say how it is now, 9 months on but that can wait for another day.
I didn't really mention my family either but hey! that can come another day (maybe)
I do get a bit lost with my posts sometimes. I start with a really specific thing I wanna say and then I get a bit lost and end up chatting about something else!!
Till next time, tickle tickle :-)
Trikin it large today
Jamie's first day at pre-school today. He absolutely loved it. He was so excited this morning and major hyper afterwards. Thought it may of tired him out a little bit, no chance!
I have been trikin it large today, triking everywhere. Me and Jamie got caught in the wind and driving rain this afternoon. We had r full waterproofs on, but I couldn't go very fast and it made my face and hands sting a bit. Jamie didn't complain once.
It has been a pleasure to spend time with him today. He's been funny, loving, cheeky, considerate, helpful and many other things....a couple of naughty moments! but hey he's 2.
Oh he also got a sticker at pre-school for tidying away the toys.
All in all a good day :-) Knackered tho.
I have been trikin it large today, triking everywhere. Me and Jamie got caught in the wind and driving rain this afternoon. We had r full waterproofs on, but I couldn't go very fast and it made my face and hands sting a bit. Jamie didn't complain once.
It has been a pleasure to spend time with him today. He's been funny, loving, cheeky, considerate, helpful and many other things....a couple of naughty moments! but hey he's 2.
Oh he also got a sticker at pre-school for tidying away the toys.
All in all a good day :-) Knackered tho.
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
5.5 stone on the back of my trike!!
I'm on the floor sweating and recovering!!! Don't they look sweet tho? :-)
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